


The Marauders

by thequeergiraffe



Series: Mischief Managed [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Everyone at Hogwarts was slutty back in the day, F/M, M/M, MWPP Era, Multi, Plot-heavy, Pre-Slash, Seventh year at Hogwarts, Sexual Tension, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-03
Updated: 2012-04-03
Packaged: 2017-11-03 00:13:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/374918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequeergiraffe/pseuds/thequeergiraffe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius didn't often admit it to himself, but the love he felt for James was just as strong as it had been during that foolish, drunken kiss in the Slytherin's boys' bathroom- perhaps stronger, even.</p><p>He loved him, loved him more than he could have believed possible. And at the Potter house, when they lay in the dark together, whispering from their separate twin beds, it seemed to Sirius that his love was the most natural thing in the world.</p><p>(Won't make much sense unless you read the first part, Padfoot & Prongs.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sirius Black lay face-down on the floor of his best friend's bedroom, shirtless and panting, his skin glistening with sweat. "How was I?" he gasped, his eyes pressed tightly closed and his chest heaving.

James tisked disappointedly. He was sitting in his bed, holding a Muggle book-  _The Guinness Book of World Records-_ in his lap. "Not even close. You got to 238, by my count, and according to this book the record is set at 10,507."

With a groan, Sirius rolled on to his back. He had been doing push-ups for an hour, it seemed, and he had reached his limit well before he stopped. "That's out, then."

"Well, I told you as much." James unwrapped a Chocolate Frog and popped it into his mouth, glancing at the card. "Ugh, Bathilda Bagshot again. Batty old broad." He glanced furtively at the open window, hoping his neighbor lady hadn't heard him, and Sirius laughed raucously.

It was mid-August, and the boys had exhausted any productive means of entertainment weeks earlier. Sirius had come to live with James almost immediately after their sixth year of school ended, fed up with his parents' rhetoric and his awful brother's constant brooding. There had been quite a row, but Sirius was glad for it. He had never felt as free as he did at James'.

For one thing, it was nice being around James. He liked staying up late with him, and waking up to find James nudging him and mumbling about breakfast. True, they shared a room at Hogwarts and had done for years, but that was different. There were four other boys in the room, and studies kept them too busy to stay up all night talking about nothing. Summer was perfect for that.

Nearly as good as James' company was the easygoing nature of his elderly parents. James had been a like a gift to an aging couple who had thought they would never have children, and they treated him more like a blessing than a son. James was one of the few purebloods Sirius knew that frequently went to London and shopped with Muggle money. None of the other boys at Hogwarts had a puppy- they had Crups, small terrier-like creatures born with forked tails. But James had a golden retriever named Barnaby, and he was just one of the hundreds of things James had insisted upon having, and his parents wouldn't say no. When James had told his parents that Sirius would be living with them- told, because he didn't ask- his mother simply smiled and said, "Whatever you wish, pet. Shall he stay in your room, or shall I fix up the guest room? Sirius, dear, what colors would you like for your sheets?" And that was that.

They had had a few guests over the summer. Remus has stayed for a week- and right in the middle of the moon cycle, so he was at his best and his least grouchy. They had camped out a few nights in the woods near James' house, each pretending they heard ghosts calling just outside the thin fabric of their Muggle tent. During the day they had hiked back to the house and built up "rations" of peanut butter and honey sandwiches. They were all getting a little old for such foolishness, but it was nice being together, and this was the last summer they had to engage in childishness, as far as they were concerned.

After Remus left, Wormy came and stayed for a weekend. His visit was less fun, because his nervous manners seemed to set James' parents on edge. "Nobody likes a try-hard," James had told him one night, and after that the visit was awkward. It seemed to Sirius that Wormtail barely fit into their group anymore, and he often felt himself and the others growing apart from him. But there was a great deal of love and nostalgia involved in their little Marauders' group, and everyone was loathe to break that apart.

One somewhat surprising visitor was the ever-lovely Lily Evans. She stayed for over a week, sleeping in the guest room with protecting enchantments on the door and windows. ("I'm sure  _you_ could break them, Sirry," she had said with a wink and a glance to James, "if you tried.") During the day she lounged about with the boys, reading old comics- another of James' Muggle follies- and eating Bertie Bott's. James spent a great deal of her visit trying to hide the pained expression that often overtook him when she was sprawled out on his floor, her tiny shorts riding up her thighs, her feet kicking slow circles as she read and played with her hair. On the day she left, she pressed a note into Sirius' hand and whispered: "Don't let James read it. Promise." He had promised dutifully and, when she was gone, feigned a stomachache and slipped off to the bathroom. The note read, " _I know you're J's best friend, and I know how he feels. I still wish you had tried to break into my room. I wasn't joking when I said you could have."_  Sirius had ripped the note into careful pieces and flushed it down the toilet. There were some things James didn't need to know; that was one of them.

The month of August, however…that had been theirs alone. Sirius didn't often admit it to himself, but the love he felt for James was just as strong as it had been during that foolish, drunken kiss in the Slytherin's boys' bathroom- perhaps stronger, even. He loved watching the strain of James' Quidditch shirt across his shoulders as they played, and the gentle way the wind toyed in his hair. James had quit drinking, as well, and the effects of it drove Sirius nearly mad. There was always a gleam in James' eyes, a clear and bright intelligence that Sirius longed to know completely. Sirius couldn't be close enough to his best friend, not physically or spiritually. He loved him, loved him more than he could have believed possible. And at the Potter house, when they lay in the dark together, whispering from their separate twin beds, it seemed to Sirius that his love was the most natural thing in the world. All was well.


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, all good things must eventually end, and though Sirius had never before dreaded the trip to Platform 9 ¾, he found himself staying awake most of the night before, listening to James' gentle breathing and wishing he could slow time to a standstill.

* * *

"Moony!" James clapped an arm around his friend, beaming. Remus looked well, a touch of healthy color in his cheeks. Wormtail stood beside him, his mouth a thin, tight line.

Sirius patted him lightly. "Why the sourpuss, Wormy? Surely you aren't leaving a summer romance behind?"

With a forced smile, Peter said tersely, "No, I'm not. I'm just…tired." He brushed Sirius' arm away and cleared his throat. "I'll be in our usual compartment."

The threesome watched him go with equally bemused expressions. "What's with him?" James frowned, rubbing his hand through his hair in that particular way that made Sirius' heartbeat quicken.

Sirius swallowed hard and pushed the feelings away, adopting a very neutral expression. "You hurt his feelings."

"Oh, what now?" Remus moaned, dragging a hand down his face. He hated conflict in the group; the stress of it seemed to make his illness somehow worse.

James shot Sirius a glance and hoisted up his trunk. "Come off it. He said he was tired, didn't he?"

"Well, you asked-" Sirius began, but a withering look from both boys stopped him. It was bad enough to have James and Peter fighting; to have the whole group angry with each other on their first day back would have been unbearable. Sirius shut his mouth with a small huff and lifted his trunk.  _This is going to be a grand year,_ he thought, his inner voice dripping with sarcasm.

* * *

Things were no better in the compartment. As he often did when things were uncomfortable, Remus had disappeared into a crossword and was muttering clues to himself in low tones. Peter sat beside him, his eyes fixed pointedly on the scene outside the window. His mouth was still thin, his small arms crossed over his bony chest. James, as was his usual reaction to such situations, would not shut up. He yammered at Sirius about all matter of things: Quidditch; Lily; the N.E.W.T.s; Lily; the increasing Death Eater presence; and, of course, Lily. Sirius, still reeling in discomfort from Lily's furtive little note, found himself laughing shrilly at James' every word. The atmosphere was tense.

"Who died?" All four boys looked to the compartment door, and- as if a warm breeze had just washed over the room- the awkwardness died away. Lily was leaning against the door jamb, her bright hair dancing over her shoulder in a sloppily-plaited braid. Her uniform curved along her tightly along her body, the skirt sweeping across her thighs each time someone passed. Her eyes were bright and teasing.

Sirius let out a low whistle, and the others laughed. "You aren't dreaming of sitting in another compartment," he said, sliding over toward James.

Lily sat down lightly beside him, crossing her legs. "Course not. If I didn't have you to make eyes at me on the first day back, Sirius, my confidence would plummet."

"I could do more than that, you know," Sirius grinned, and James punched him.

"Enough of that, then," he growled, standing and mussing his hair. "Lily, I don't know how you put up with him. The man is crude. Piggish, even. I've always said he has exceptionally loose morals."

"Is that right, Sirry?" Lily smiled, her eyes twinkling. The train let out a great blast of noise and began to shudder underneath them as it moved away from the platform. "I rather like a man with loose morals."

James squeezed in between Sirius and Lily, slinging an arm around her shoulder. "Oh, well, I've always said the same thing about myself. Yes, ma'am, me and Sirius Black, two of the crudest gents in Hogwarts history." He swept an arm through the air, a dreamy expression on his face, and Sirius and Remus laughed aloud.

Peter, however, simply snickered. "Merlin's robes, James, nobody likes a  _tryhard_."

The tense atmosphere of before returned to the little room, and everyone's smiles faded…except Peter, who was watching James with a hard glint in his eyes.

Remus cleared his throat. "Wormy-"

Peter stood and licked his lips, his eyes dancing around the compartment. "You know, I don't think there is room for five of us in this group," he said quietly, his voice barely trembling.

"I'll go," said Lily, but James held her fast and glared at Peter, his face dark.

"No, I'll go." Straightening his robes, Peter took a deep breath. He fixed James with a look that shocked the whole room in its fury. In a low voice he said, "Things are different now, James. Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends." He moved to leave the compartment and James stood, his eyes flashing.

"It's funny- I wonder the same thing!" he spat. Peter stared at him impassively, and Remus began to slowly stand, his hands out tentatively. James went on, "I much preferred you when you were pathetic."

Peter looked at him for a long moment. At last he whispered, "I could say the same," before slipping out of the compartment and pulling the door closed heavily behind him. Sirius felt Lily's hand grab his and squeeze lightly, but he kept his eyes on James' face, on the trembling of his lips and the bright spots of pink in his cheeks.

Remus cleared his throat and sat back down with a breath, looking for all the world like a much older man. "What was that, James?" he said, a slight touch of accusation hidden in his weary tone.

James didn't sit. "Has anyone else noticed how different Peter's been?" He looked around the room at his friends' blank stares. "He's not himself, is he?"

"Well, not today, no," Remus said coolly. He scooped up his crossword from the seat beside him and folded it carefully. "I wouldn't mind knowing why."

"Nor would I," chimed Lily, her voice a little less steady than normal. Sirius noticed with alarm that she was still holding his hand and pulled it away, folding his hands together in his lap.

If James noticed, he hid it well. "It's my fault then? That Peter's changed?" He looked at Remus levelly, though there was definite anger struggling to be concealed under his calm demeanor.

Remus looked as though he were going to say something, but then his mouth fell closed and he shook his head. "It's not my fight, and it's not my place. I just don't want to have to choose between you." He gave the other two boys a small smile. "You're my brothers. So is he. I just want things to stay the same."

With a glance at Lily, James softly intoned, "Remus, you of all people know how hard it is to fight change."


	3. Chapter 3

The Sorting Ceremony lasted too long for any of their liking. It was always nice to watch the first-years get sorted, but the mood of the train had wearied everyone, and they all wanted nothing more than to slip up to the Gryffindor tower and slump down into their beds. James, in particular, seemed restless all throughout dinner, barely touching the lavish meal spread out before them. Sirius, on the other hand, rarely had trouble eating. The troubles between James and Peter bothered him, but they had all been friends for a very long time. Nothing in the world could change that. Sirius had no doubts that by first Hogsmeade weekend everything would be perfectly copasetic. Thus thinking, he clapped harder than any other Gryffindor and stuffed his face with every bit of food in reach.

* * *

"Sirius?"

He blinked and rubbed his hooded eyes, giving a mighty yawn. There was something very disorienting about waking up in the common room, a dying fire crackling beside him and a beautiful, green-eyed girl two inches from his face. "Lily?"

She smiled weakly and pushed in against him, spooning herself to his body on the fat, burgundy couch where he had awoken. Making a small, "Mmm," noise, she let out a breath and pressed her bottom to him, wriggling almost imperceptibly.

There was a moment of intense panic boiling inside of him before Sirius found himself shooting up from the couch and brushing a hand through his rumpled hair. "Lily, I…"

"I know." She sat up, her expression somber, and gulped. "It's James, isn't it?"

This was a nightmare. That was the only explanation; he was still dreaming and the stress of the day was getting to him. He gave himself a pinch, but to no avail. Plan B: deny, deny, deny. "Lily, it isn't what you think!"

"No, I understand." She gave him another weak smile, her eyes glittering. "You're a better friend than he deserves. I mean, here I am, throwing myself at you…" She trailed a finger between her breasts and slowly undid the top button of her pajama top. "…And still you consider him, above yourself. I think that's why I want you so badly, Sirius. Because I know you want me, too, but I also know that you'll never allow yourself to have me."

Sirius gaped at her, wide-eyed. "I…I…I…yes! Yes, you're right! It's love for James that keeps me from, erm, ravishing your…eh…" He gestured at her, flustered. "Y'know. Body, and whatnot."

Lily laughed, her face in her hands. "It's that, too! That playfulness." She looked at him with longing. "You're silly. I like that about you. Oh, Sirius!" She punched the couch with two small fists and pouted. "It isn't fair! His feelings shouldn't keep us apart!"

"Lily, I…" Sirius rubbed his chin and sat down beside her, patting her leg softly. "I like you. I think you're a great girl! But the feelings James has for you? Those are…look, he may not be as silly as me, but he could really be good for you. I wish you would give him a chance."

"You'd hate it." Lily's eyes searched his. "It would make you insane with jealousy."

"Or mad with joy." Sirius smiled warmly. "I want you to be happy, both of you. I  _know_ you two could make each other happy."

There was a pause wherein Lily simply watched his face, her eyes moving from his steady gaze down to his lips, and back again. At last she said softly, "He asked me, you know. If I cared for him. If I'd be his." She leaned toward Sirius just a little, her voice growing huskier. "If you kiss me now, Sirius, I'll tell him yes. For you."

An image flashed through Sirius' mind of James hugging him the next day, his eyes alight and his voice thick with cheer. Of how perfectly content his friend would be, and how it could even patch things up with Peter…he only spent a second thinking, and then his lips were on Lily's. She tasted like strawberry lip balm. Her breath was warm and her hand was firm on his chest. And then he was pulling away, and she was straightening her hair, and neither of them was looking at the other.

"We could still…" Lily cleared her throat and dared a glance at him.

Sirius shook his head. "You know we can't."

The pair fell silent. From the stairwell behind them, a pair of eyes glinted in the dying firelight.


	4. Chapter 4

"Gentlemen! Marauders! Lend me your ears!" James stood in the middle of the deserted Quidditch pitch, his arms outstretched. He looked immensely pleased, and for once his hair was as perfectly windswept as he always tried for it to be.  _He looks untouchable,_ thought Sirius, smiling a little.  _Or else_ _ **too**_ _touchable._

Beside Sirius stood Remus, oddly silent, his face inscrutable and fairly hidden in the glare of the slanting autumn sunlight. And next to him, with his small arms crossed and his chin jutted uncharacteristically, stood Peter Pettigrew.

"I'd like to call into place the first Marauders' Meeting of the school year." James cleared his throat and leveled an apologetic look at Peter. "And my first order of business is to apologize to one of my best and greatest friends, the ever-faithful Mr. Pettigrew."

Peter's ears went deeply pink. "You don't have to-"

"No, I do." James touched his shoulder. "It was wrong of me to insult you, Wormy. And besides," he grinned broadly, "we all miss you loads."

It had been two weeks since Peter had spoken to any of them, and Sirius nodded at James' sentiment. It was true that Peter could be annoying, and certainly he was the dweebiest member of their little group, but they all loved and cared for each other just the same. Each friend brought something different to their group, and Peter's role was complex. True, he was sometimes a whipping boy. But he was also an underdog, someone the boys could all fiercely protect. And he was always good for a laugh, literally; no joke fell into awkward silence with Peter around. Things had been strange without him around, and Sirius didn't want their last year at school to be so full of strife and awkwardness.

"Hear, hear!" he called, throwing an arm across Pettigrew's shoulder.

James beamed at him before turning his attention back to Peter. "So, what will it take to make things right? You can hit me, if you want. Or fly on my broomstick. Or, erm…well, you could borrow something of mine. Or I'll do your homework for a week. Or-"

"Stop, c'mon." Peter was blushing furiously, his eyes more watery than usual. "You said your piece, eh? At any rate, I wanted to patch things up myself." He gave a little nervous laugh and looked at the other boys. "Things weren't right, y'know?"

"Well said!" Clapping Peter's shoulder once more, James turned away and took his position in front of the boys once more. "Now, men, if we may move on." He cleared his throat in a self-important sort of way, a small smirk playing at his lips. "I have some news- and I must warn you, some of you may find it shocking."

"Oh, come on with it," Sirius griped playfully.

James feigned boxing Sirius' ears, and Sirius in turn began shouting curse words. "Silence! Silence! I'm calling for order!" James cried.

They rough-housed for a moment, Peter cheering for James and Remus staying oddly impassive, before they finally broke apart, each panting, and the meeting was resumed.

"Ahem!  _Anyway_ ," James said, straightening his Quidditch tee and glaring at Sirius. He huffed once and said, "My news. Men, I am retiring the title of playboy for the foreseeable future."

Sirius guffawed, and the pair began to wrestle once again, but Remus' cool voice gave them pause: "You're seeing Lily? Officially?"

James blinked up at him from the grass, his hands still wound in Sirius' sweater. "Is that a problem, Moony?"

"Not for me," said Remus. Something in his tone made Sirius tense up.

"What's that supposed to mean?" James released Sirius and pulled himself up, not bothering to brush away the grass and dirt from his clothes. His eyebrows were knit together, his eyes sharp and fierce.

"Guys…" said Peter, as Sirius groaned, "Don't start fighting! We've only just patched things up!"

The very air seemed to have gone still. But, at last, Remus' shoulders slumped, and he let out a sigh. "No, you're right. I'm sorry, James. I spoke out of place."

"You're damned right!" James was still tense, his knuckles raised and pink. "Mind explaining what that little comment was all about?"

It seemed that Remus was thinking very hard about his answer. After some silent moments, he said, "I just worry, that's all. You're one of my best friends, James. I don't want to see you hurt."

"Or don't want to see me happy." James glared for a moment more before shaking his head and loosing his fists. "It doesn't matter. I'm  _going_ to be happy, Remus. Maybe you're content to be alone, but I'm not."

Remus seemed wounded, but James didn't seem to notice or care. He stalked off the pitch, muttering to himself, and Peter chased after him, his voice carrying back snippets of insults and swears that seemed to center around "damn know-it-all werewolves" and "bloody nitwits".

With a ball of nervousness growing in his stomach, Sirius watched them go. When he felt they were too far to hear him, he turned back to Remus- who was appraising him with that same cool air he'd had all day.

"Mind telling me what in the name of Merlin's uncle  _that_ was all about?" he seethed.

"Oh, it's your business now, is it?" Remus looked down his nose at Sirius, and- not for the first time- Sirius loathed being shorter than his friend.

"It's  _our_ business," he said, taking a new tack and keeping his voice as level as possible. " _The Marauders._ This was a meeting, you know."

"Hilarious." Remus looked up at the sky, his face lined with some hurt Sirius couldn't understand. "I just…I just want to know why. Or maybe how. Or both. I don't know."

Sirius waited for him to explicate, but the other boy stayed eerily silent, his eyes stuck on the half-moon that hung in the midday sky like an omen.

Finally, when he couldn't take the silence anymore, Sirius coughed. "Why or how  _what_ exactly?"

For a moment Sirius didn't think Remus would answer him. But before long the taller boy was slowly turning toward him, his eyes no longer cool but instead revealing a great deal of sadness and betrayal. "Sorting night, I woke up a few hours before dawn. I don't sleep well in the nights leading up to the full moon." Remus looked back at the moon and sighed. "You weren't in your bed. I went down to wake you only to find someone else had already done so. Lily."

"Remus-"

"Lily. I always thought your flirtations with her were nothing but bluster and bravado. Guess I was wrong."

The disappointment in Remus' voice was unbearable. Sirius wished he would get angry, wished he would throw a punch or shout loud enough to wake the owls in the Owlery- anything but this sad, heavy disappointment. "Remus, let me expl-"

"You don't need to explain anything to me." Remus turned back to him, his eyes hard. "It's James that deserves an explanation." He took a long, shaky breath. When he spoke again, his voice was thick. "He's your best friend, Sirius. Of all of us, he loves you best.  _How could you?_ "

Tears stung in Sirius' eyes, tears borne of shame and frustration. "Remus, please don't hate me! I couldn't stand it."

They looked at each other, both trying to contain their emotions. Shakily, Remus said, "I don't hate you. I don't." He took a deep breath. "But I don't trust you, either. Not anymore.  _Make it right, Sirius._ Tell James the truth."


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius spent the rest of the day waiting for a good moment to have the conversation he was dreading, but James and Lily were inseparable- or rather, James refused to leave her side, and Lily deferred to his wishes without protestation. When they went up to bed, Sirius found he couldn't get James alone. The story was the same in the morning, and throughout the next day. In fact, three weeks passed without Sirius finding James alone. If it wasn't Lily at his side, it was Peter. Remus, for his part, kept to himself.

Of course, Sirius knew that wouldn't- or couldn't- last. And finally, on a rainy Tuesday morning, Remus broke his patient silence.

The pair sat in their N.E.W.T. level Care of Magical Creatures classroom, the room that was used when the weather was too poor to be outside. Despite the fact that they had barely spoken since the Marauders' Meeting, they always sat together, at the same table they'd been using from their first rain-swept day at Hogwarts. Remus was scratching notes on a bit of parchment, his brow furrowed, while Sirius levitated his quill inches off the desk and yawned. To his surprise, Remus passed the note he'd been scrawling to Sirius.

 _Have you done it yet?_ Sirius eyed the words with a sinking feeling in his stomach, his quill dropping lamely to the desk.

He scooped it up and wrote:  _No chance, yet. I can't get him alone._

Remus read with an impassive face. When the note was slid back, Sirius read in Remus' neat hand:  _Can't, or won't?_

At the front of the room, their elderly professor was droning blandly about thestrals. Sirius wasn't entirely sure the old coot hadn't made the beasts up, or dreamed them. The stooped-backed man had the unfortunate habit of falling asleep during class quite regularly. With a sigh, Sirius scribbled on the parchment:  _James is your best friend, too. This will ruin him. Think about that._ He stared at the words for a long moment before sliding it back to Remus.

Professor Litchley rambled tonelessly for some time before the parchment was back in front of Sirius.  _What's right and what's easy are rarely the same thing. Do the right thing, or I will._

Sirius read the short message four times before glancing up at his friend, who was watching him with a sad but stern look. There was no denying it; Remus would tell James if Sirius didn't. He couldn't hide from it any longer.

Slowly, Sirius picked his quill up and carefully wrote:  _Okay. You're right. I'll tell him tonight._

* * *

Sirius sat in the Shrieking Shack, warming himself in front of the fire and trying not to think of Severus Snape. That proved difficult. Only one year previous he had lain before that very fireplace with him, each of them satisfying a need they didn't dare admit they had. He had discovered that he and Severus had more in common than he could have dreamed. But Sirius didn't see much of the smaller, sharp-nosed boy anymore. They didn't share any classes- for once- nor did they often cross paths in the hall. They could have been strangers. An awful feeling churned in Sirius' stomach. Suppose next year he was thinking the same thing about James?

The trapdoor clattered open, and James called out: "Merlin's pants! Has it ever been this cold so early in the season?" He came into the little foyer, trembling all over, a red-and-gold striped scarf wound around his neck, and shot Sirius a smile that nearly broke his heart. There was a tuft of black hair sticking up at the back of James' head, and he patted at it gingerly. "Good grief. At least you got here early, got the fire going." He plopped down on the floor beside Sirius and held out his hands. "Feel them! I certainly can't."

Sirius took James' hands in his own slowly, feeling not the cold of his fingers but the fire that coursed through him at James' touch. He looked up, still holding James' shaking hands, and found his friend smiling at him curiously.

"You all right, mate?" he said, giving Sirius' hands a little squeeze before releasing them and holding his own hands to the fire.

Saying nothing, Sirius watched him, taking in every inch of him with his eyes.  _This may be the last time I see him like this_ , he thought.  _Relaxed. At ease with me. The next time I see those dark eyes they may be full of hate…for me. Could I bear that?_ The thought of it was so painful that tears pricked at his eyes. Clearing his throat, he said, "I should tell you something." It surprised him to hear the coarseness of his voice.

"Sirius?" James looked concerned, turning fully to look Sirius in the eyes, but Sirius wouldn't- couldn't- meet them.

Trembling now, not from the cold but from the fear of losing his friend, Sirius said, "It's about Lily. I…"  _I don't want to lose you…_

"Has she done something?" James sat up onto his knees and laid a hand on Sirius' knee. "You can tell me. Does this have anything to do with how strange Remus has been? Is he seeing her?"

The care in James' voice was like a knife in Sirius' heart. "James…  _I_ did something…something I never should have done. I…I kissed her." The whole story came tumbling out of Sirius' mouth then, about the note over the summer and the Sorting night kiss, and how Remus had seen. Once the words started coming, he found it impossible to stop them. It was like he had been keeping something foul inside himself and was finally being freed of it.

When at last he stopped speaking, he took a shaky breath and watched his friend closely. James sat very still, his hand mindlessly rubbing his chin, his eyes focused on the fire. His expression was unreadable. At last he turned to Sirius, and Sirius started at the look on his face. James looked as at Sirius as if he were a player for the Chudley Cannons, or a great and unknown wizard whom he was meeting for the first time. There was a touch of bewilderment, and a great deal of disbelief, but there was also a strong note of adoration in his gaze that made Sirius wonder if James had heard him at all. And underneath all that was the look of someone truly seeing a person for the first time. "…James?" he whispered, not sure what else to say.

"You did that for me?" James asked slowly, unblinking. "I can't believe it."

"…I…" Sirius didn't know what to say, and he was even more startled when the other boy scooped him into a tight embrace and buried his face into his neck. "Oh!" Sirius cried, the shock of it all seeming very overwhelming.

James pulled away a bit, still holding Sirius but looking into his eyes. "You could have taken her, if you wanted. But you let me have her. No!" He squeezed Sirius again. "No! Even better! You gave her to me. And all you got out of the deal was a kiss and my eternal gratitude."

James' proximity and the strange turn of events was muddling Sirius' mind. "You…you're not angry?"

"Angry?" James laughed wildly. "How could I be? Sirius, I don't care how or why Lily came to decide she would be with me. I don't mind being her second choice. Because I know I have the rest of my life to prove to her that I was worth choosing at all. And that's all thanks to you, you selfless bastard!" James hugged him fiercely again, and relief flooded through Sirius' body. He relaxed against James, smiling into his neck. When they pulled apart again, Sirius felt his heartbeat quicken. They were so close, so close, James still grasping his shoulders, his lips only inches away…unthinkingly, Sirius reached his hand up and smoothed the place where James' hair stuck up.

"I thought you'd never speak to me again," he said softly, moving his hand to James' cheek. He gulped and brought his eyes up to James'.

"Then you're a fool." James put his hand over Sirius'. "You're my best friend, Sirius Black. Always. No matter what." He smiled and cuffed his friend lightly. "Even if you did kiss my girl, you prat." He laughed and stood up, extending a hand down to Sirius, who took it happily. They fell into a playful banter as they left the room and slipped down into the secret tunnel.


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius woke up the next morning feeling at once pleased and depressed. It was great that things had worked out with James, and Remus seemed satisfied, even letting Sirius copy his homework when they'd gotten back. But being in the Shrieking Shack, remembering that night with Severus, and then being so close to James, physically and emotionally…

It was Severus that had forced Sirius to look at his feelings for James that night nearly a year past. Now Sirius couldn't turn away from them. He loved James desperately, painfully. It was more than just the adorable flick of hair that stood up on the back of James' head, or the promise held in his perfect, full lips. True, Sirius had kept himself awake many nights thinking about the line of James' spine and the straight, hard set of his shoulders, or the hollow of his neck and the dip of his clavicles. Sirius loved James' body, he couldn't deny that, but there was so much more to it: the two-note ring of his deep-throated laugh, and the way James had of turning his head a touch to the side when he thought Sirius was pulling his leg. He loved the way James would lift his eyebrows twice in quick succession when he was up to no good, and the way he mussed his hair when a pretty girl walked by made Sirius crazy. He loved his smile, which was so bright and unrestrained that it made everyone around him smile as well. He even loved the way James looked after a losing Quidditch game, the sweat matting his hair and grim determination shadowing his face. There was something lovely about him during class too, the feeble sunlight breaking through the murky castle windowpanes and playing across his face, bathing him in light, and the way he'd shoot Sirius a grin as if to say:  _What, do they really expect us to pay attention to this blather?_  Sirius thought he loved James best when they were alone together, whether they were sneaking out to lie in the lawn at night or just sitting in the Owlery, a bit of stolen bread wrapped in a kerchief and slumped across Sirius' lap. He loved listening to James talk, especially when it was something he was passionate about: Quidditch, of course, but also justice and adventure.

Sirius groaned and rolled over in bed, pulling the blanket around his head. Yes, he loved him. But it didn't matter, because James loved Lily. No- what James felt for Lily was worse than love, it was an affliction of the heart that caused him more pain than pleasure. James felt something for Lily that Sirius could not relate to his own love for James at all. It seemed a very wretched thing, something more akin to servitude. James was a slave to Lily…and somehow that was worse. Because people can fall out of love, but devotion is a hard thing to lead astray.

* * *

Sirius remained gloomy at breakfast, but his thoughts were soon scattered by strange news.

"Merlin's ghost, is that Severus Snape and his idiot friends?" whispered Remus, his tone scandalized. He was holding the morning's edition of the Daily Prophet, and as Sirius leaned in to get a better look, James cursed aloud (drawing dirty looks from the prefects).

"It is!" James stabbed his finger at the picture on the third page, a small article about a public demonstration in Diagon Alley. The picture showed a large group of men in all-white masks and black cloaks marching in front of Gringotts in time, never looking anywhere but forward. Above them, a strange mark shone in the sky; it looked like a skull with a snake emerging from its mouth, and it shimmered prettily, its silver hue lovely against the white sky. The headline read: "Wizarding Community Stirs Over Extremist Group's March." Sirius stared at the marching boys, a sense of foreboding stirring in his gut.

"Death Eaters," whispered Remus, pulling the paper back. His eyes were wide. "There are so many…I never thought they'd kick up much support."

"Well, it doesn't look like they have, to me." James munched on a piece of toast and leaned against Remus, skimming the article with mild interest. "Looks like Snivellus and his buddies had a little costumed parade in the streets, that's all. Look: 'Bystanders were unsure of the reason for the march, and the young wizards- who refused to comment- seemed not to have a message, choosing only to display their odd banner in silence. A witch who was present, a Mrs. Rainley, commented thus:  _I don't know who those young men are, but they are interrupting my shopping. I do wish they'd move, as I'm trying to get to the bank._  Most of the other witches and wizards in the small shopping district felt similarly.' See? They're still lame."

Sirius laughed, but Remus looked shaken. "How can they take that rhetoric seriously?" he said softly, his eyes never leaving the article. "Purebloods over all others, half-bloods and half-breeds treated as slaves…" He shuddered, and Sirius realized at last what the expression on his face was: fear.

"Hey!" Sirius touched his shoulder, and- in a lowered voice- said, "You don't have anything to be afraid of. First off, this is Snape and his cronies we're talking about. We can handle those guys, right?" He looked to James, who nodded vehemently. "Second," he continued, "You are nothing less than human. So don't let their stupid talk get to you. And third, you're much too irritating to be a slave. You'd drive your master mad! 'Pack your pipe? Oh, are you smoking again?' or 'Another brandy, sir? Aren't you sure you've had enough?'" Sirius did a decent imitation of Remus, holding himself as stiffly as his friend was known to do, and they all had a laugh.

"You're right," sighed Remus, but he still looked worried.

"Always am," Sirius replied, reaching across the table for seconds. Peter, who had been sitting next to Sirius in contained silence, slipped away from the table and left the Great Hall at a quick jog.

* * *

Deep in thought, Sirius rounded a corner on the way to his first class of the morning- and smacked straight into a small but firm body. A flash of red hair and black robes careened to the stone floor with an "oomph".

"Lily!" Sirius stooped and helped her up. Her knee was grazed, and he lifted her carefully to a nearby windowsill. She watched him magically heal her knee with a wry smile.

"You're good at that," she said, her green eyes flashing. "Didn't hurt a bit."

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and shrugged. "You see the group I run with. Healing charms can be handy." He smiled and helped her down from the sill, noting with slight discomfort the way her hand lingered on his chest. She let her eyes linger, too, before looking down at the floor and swearing.

Following her gaze, Sirius chuckled and moved to help her pick up her books. At the bottom of the stack lay the Daily Prophet.

"Oh, did you see the article about the Death Eaters?" Sirius asked, stuffing the paper into Lily's schoolbag.

He was surprised to hear a small sniffle, and glanced up to see Lily wiping at her eyes. "I saw it," she mumbled, her voice thick. "That…that's why I ran into you. I wasn't th-thinking clearly."

"Oh, hey…" Sirius stood and pulled her into a hug, petting her hair gently. "What's that all about? You don't have to be scared of those nobodies."

Lily shook her head, her bright hair dancing. "I just…I still can't believe Sev is mixed up in something like that."

 _Sev._ It was easy to forget that the harsh boy Sirius thought of painfully as Severus Snape was someone Lily had once considered a best friend. It seemed Snape always hurt those he cared for the most. "Do you miss him at all?"

Lily examined Sirius' face carefully before answering. "Every day. If I tell you something…promise you won't say anything to James."

"I promise."

"Really. You musn't." She looked at him sternly, and he crossed his heart with a twinkle in his eye. Lily couldn't help but smile, before telling him in low whisper: "Sev was my first lover."

"No!" Sirius felt his jaw drop. "You're kidding!"

Lily took Sirius' hand and crossed her heart slowly with his finger. "Not joking. He was my first lover, and I was his. We promised that to each other, when we were kids."

"Did you love him, then?"

"I think I did, in some ways." She rubbed her bottom lip with her thumb, her eyes distant. "I never found him to be particularly attractive. But…there is _something_ about him. Something undeniable." She shook her head. "If he wasn't such a damn prat, he'd be irresistible, I think."

They laughed. For a moment Sirius debated with himself, but at last his truthful side won out, and he said, "I spoke to him last year. About you. He still loves you, you know."

"Who, me? A filthy Mudblood?" Her eyes glittered with anger…but then the anger seemed to drain away in the space of a second, and all that was left was sadness and fatigue. "Yes, I suppose he thinks he does. I'm not sure Sev has ever truly loved anyone, but he's come close with me." She looked up at Sirius and smiled sadly. "You know, James and I never do this."

Sirius cleared his throat and turned towards the window. "Oh? What's that?"

Pulling him back to her, Lily whispered in his ear, "Tell the truth to each other, even when it hurts." She leaned back and looked into his eyes. "We don't talk about anything important. We just…" Trailing a finger down his chest and looping it around his belt, she murmured, "It's all sex with us. There's nothing more to it. It isn't real."

"Lily…" Sirius pulled away, tugging at his shirt uncomfortably. "James is my best friend."

She watched him with searching eyes for a moment, then held out her hands in surrender. "Okay. I understand. You're loyal, and you don't rush things." She scooped up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. "Just let me know when the little flirtation of ours stops being enough for you. I'm patient." She shot him a dazzling smile and turned away, looking back at him once over her shoulder.

 _Great goblin's beard!_ thought Sirius with amusement as he watched her go.  _This whole damn castle is a sleazy mess. And I'm supposed to be the dog?_


	7. Chapter 7

It was 1st November, and Sirius was wandering the halls slowly, aimlessly, his robes pulled around him. It was something he had taken to lately: after-dinner walks through the corridors, alone with his thoughts. James had offered more than once to walk with him, but if Sirius was honest with himself, he had lately been avoiding James as best as he could. He almost wished he could go back to the way things were in years previous, convincing himself that he didn't love James as anything more than a best friend. Instead he was stuck with these painful feelings, and they were numbest when James wasn't around.

"Sirius? Sirius Black?"

Sirius came out of his thoughts and looked around. "Trevor…Cotten, right?"

"Right-o, mate!" Trevor was a handsome boy and a sixth-year Ravenclaw, one of the top students in his class. Sirius had spent more than one boring dinner party chuckling with Trevor at the kids' table in his family's formal dining room.

Sticking out his hand, Sirius gave Trevor a little half-hug. "I've not seen you in ages!"

"Nor I, you," said Trevor, beaming at Sirius. "Funny, innit? Here we are at the same school, with all the same connections, and I've not even heard the name of Black in, what? Near a year?"

Sirius tried to keep his face from darkening. "Well, I've not had much contact with the other Blacks here lately, old pal. Seems we've had something of a falling out."

"Is that so?" Trevor considered this for a moment and ultimately shrugged. "Well, me dad always said you were a different sort."

They laughed over that and resumed walking in a slow shamble down the hall. "So, how's your mum?" Sirius asked politely.

Trevor rolled his eyes. "Fat, batty, and full o' fire," he drawled. "I'm sure you can recall how pleasant the Cotten bunch is."

Sirius thought of Trevor's mother and her dreadful purple robes, his father's bushy mustache and narrowed black eyes, and his rail-thin, bratty twin sisters…and shuddered. "Sure, I remember. You ought to do as I've done. Get out while you can!" He gave Trevor a little shake and laughed.

"Well, sure, soon as I'm making a tidy handful of Galleons to call my own," said Trevor. They rounded a corner and passed Nearly Headless Nick, who nodded his hello at them, his head wobbling dangerously. "Til then," Trevor sighed, "its Mum and Dad's rules. They've got me going to these dreadful meetings…listen!" Trevor stopped, grabbing Sirius about the shoulders. "I haven't actually been to one of these meetings, mind, but the guest list isn't promising. Come with me, mate? I could use the sane company." He pressed a pamphlet into Sirius' hand and said, "I've got to run, study group and all that. But give it a thought, eh? Couldn't hurt, I say. And I think the notice said refreshments?" Trevor shot him a wink and flew off down the hall, his robes trailing behind him.

Sirius watched him go before turning his attention to the pamphlet. He was spinning his wand thoughtlessly between his fingers and nearly dropped it when he realized what it was he was reading.

_Are you pure of blood and good lineage?_

_Do you worry about the sorry state and loose moral fabric of today's Wizarding community?_

_Have you noticed an increased presence of good, like-minded wizards and witches in the news and wished you could join them?_

_Then we want YOU to join US on any of the following dates for a brief discussion and potential membership evaluation for today's MOST EXCLUSIVE Wizarding society. We are a group of opinionated and influential witches and wizards hoping to BECOME THE CHANGE we wish to see in our (and our children's) futures. We aren't about hate; we're about change. For too long, Muggles have been infiltrating our beautiful community and tarnishing it with their undignified lifestyles and persuasions. IT'S TIME TO STAND UP for what YOU believe in._

_Refreshments will be provided._

Below that was a list of dates, times, and locations, and just below that was a picture that almost made Sirius choke: Regulus Black, his nose lifted in the air and his arm around a pretty blonde witch Sirius recognized as being in Reg's year.

"Holy hippogriffs," Sirius muttered, watching his brother smile and simper in the photo. All of the locations in the pamphlet were in Hogsmeade village or the castle, and Sirius noted with a jolt that the soonest was to take place in just a few short days, during Hogsmeade weekend. He watched his brother smirk snottily, the little witch beside him pouting her lips and batting her lashes, and decided quite suddenly that this was something he wanted to see.

* * *

For various reasons, Sirius found he would not even need to lie to his friends about his whereabouts. Remus was indisposed, dealing with a particularly uncomfortable aftermath from the night before, and Peter claimed illness, staying in bed all morning. Lily and James had decided to brave the abandoned old cemetery just outside of the village under the Cloak, an activity that had them both flush and tittering before they'd even left the castle. In fact, Sirius was alone in the common room well before lunch. He pulled out the pamphlet and double-checked the time before slipping through the portrait and down the steps.

Finding a place to stand in Bennett's Old and Invaluable Books proved much more difficult. The small bookstore was packed, both with obscure books in odd bindings and Hogwarts students of all ages, the smaller ones standing on tip-toes to peek over seventh-year shoulders and get a glance at the back of the store. Sirius pushed his way through the crowd, elbowing students here and there until he had secured a decent vantage point: close to the back of the store, but practically invisible from the little stage that had been set up and which now held Regulus and the perky blonde, who Sirius felt sure was called Polly or Penny. Reg was sifting through some papers on the podium and smilingly chatting with…Penelope? Perhaps it was Penelope. He looked in his element, not that Sirius found that surprising. Regulus had always loved being the center of attention.

After some moments, Reg turned to the crowd and cleared his throat. "Attention, please," he said, his voice carried magically so that it sounded as if he were standing just beside each person in the room. "First off, I'd like to thank each one of you for being in attendance. Hogwarts students represent the future of the Wizarding world, and I'm proud to call myself a student and a Slytherin." He beamed at the crowd and was rewarded with small bursts of random applause. The blonde beside him gazed up at him adoringly. "Now, let us not tarry, but instead get to the heart of our being here: the purity of the Wizarding community and its effect on  _you_ , the youth."

Sirius rolled his eyes. Regulus was a fifth-year, but that didn't stop him from being pompous and frequently referring to himself as an adult. Sirius was beginning to think the meeting was a waste of time when Reg went on: "Times are changing very swiftly, boys and girls. Some of you may wonder why it's important for you to consider matters such as these, matters which to you must seem very dull and grown-up. However, I must warn you that even the young cannot be excused when it comes to such important issues. Allegiances will become very important here in the near future, and it is prudent for each and every one of you to fall in with the right side." He flashed them a dazzling smile and added, "That would be  _ours,_ of course." Some of the students sniggered, and Regulus nodded at them graciously. "Yes, as I have said, times are changing. But perhaps you're wondering, who am I to lecture you about blood purity and the hazards of Muggle influence? Well, if you  _were_ wondering thusly, then I'm proud of you for being so discerning and I'll happily respond. My name is Regulus Black, and I come from a long line of pure blood wizards and witches. My family has been a proud and important name in the Wizarding community since before the days of Uric the Oddball. In fact, I am distantly related to  _every single_ pureblood family in this community, and I'm bloody proud of it." This garnered a decent amount of approval, with some students hooting and many cheering. Reg grinned at them and continued. "Now, you might be asking yourself at this point: Why should I care about blood purity? How can Muggles be considered dangerous? And, most importantly, where are those refreshments I was promised?" Reg laughed a little at his own joke. "I'd like to answer those first two questions in a more intimate, comfortable setting, and so I am inviting all of you to the Hog's Head for a drink on me." More cheers; much more applause. "Come mingle, meet your fellow pure-bloods, and drink your first firewhiskey. Most pertinently, if anything I've said this afternoon has rung true to you,  _please_ be sure to get yourself to my table near the door at Hog's Head and put your name on our sign-up sheet so I can get some information to you about our…more exclusive meetings." He winked. "If you aren't convinced yet, that's okay. I'm happy to chat with any of you at Hog's Head or anytime you see me in the castle. Remember: we who are pure of blood and strong of heart must stick together." He gave a little bow and stepped away from the podium amidst cheers and applause. Students began shuffling out, most of them talking animatedly and enthusiastically about "that handsome Slytherin boy" or "Firewhiskey, really? Are we allowed to drink that?" Sirius stayed where he was, half-hidden behind a stack of books, and watched his brother. Reg ran a hand through his hair and gave the little blonde a quick kiss, each of them looking as though they'd never had a care in the world. For all of Reg's talk, he didn't look very concerned about the future. And why should he, when the present was turning out so perfectly?  _I could have that life_ , Sirius thought, and hated himself for it.

He sighed and made to move away when a voice in his ear stopped him and made his blood run cold.

"Hello, Sirius," breathed Severus Snape, pressing his wand into Sirius' back. "Fancy seeing you here."


	8. Chapter 8

Snape prodded Sirius gruffly and called: "Regulus! Look who I've found."

Absently, Reg looked over…His eyes went wide; his jaw slackened. "…Sirius?" He took one step forward and stopped, his brows furrowed.

With a laugh, Severus wrapped his thin fingers around Sirius' arm. "I'll take care of this, no worries. Enjoy your drink, hmm?" He shoved Sirius and hissed in his ear, "Forward,  _now_."

Sirius moved his hand towards his wand- and the most intense pain he had ever felt ran through his entire body, flinging him to the ground and making him jerk and twitch involuntarily. There was a noise like an animal dying, and vaguely he could hear his brother screaming, "Please! Please, stop!" And then it was over as abruptly as it had begun. The pain was gone. The twitching stopped. He pressed his face to the cool ground and panted horribly.

"I wouldn't try that again," quipped Snape, yanking him up from the ground. Gentler arms helped, then pulled away.

"Merlin, Severus, was that really necessary?" Reg's voice was low but fervent.

Sirius felt that he would throw up if he opened his eyes, but he didn't need to see Snape to recognize the venom in his voice. "Remember your place, Regulus. Or shall I bring this little indiscretion up to the Dark Lord?"

The silence seemed to stretch on for hours. "Forgive me," Regulus said at last, a tiny quiver in his voice. "Of course you're right; I spoke out of turn. I won't interrupt again."

"Good." Snape's voice was terrible. "And what shall I do with this traitor?"

"Whatever you wish, sir," Regulus whispered, defeated.

This seemed to satisfy Snape. "Go, then. And quickly. The Dark Lord would not like to hear that you've kept his recruits waiting."

* * *

Pain again, then darkness. Time seemed to flow around Sirius like water, leaving him adrift. Banging noises. A sickening feeling in his gut. Whispered voices. Silence, nothingness.

* * *

_Where am I?_

The room in which Sirius found himself when he awoke was unfamiliar, and yet…

"Hello?" He sat up, wincing with pain. His head was stinging, and he touched two fingers to it. Blood; he had been scraped, at least.

The room was small. A leak in the corner plunked steadily. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all made of the same rough, black stone. It made him think of a prison cell, perhaps, or a dungeon.

_Dungeon?_

"Hello? Hello! Somebody help me! Professor Slughorn? Filch? Anyone! Help!" He drug himself up to his knees, seething with discomfort.

From the doorway came a faint chuckling. "Sirius Black. You know, if you had gone the way of your family, you'd realize that we Snakes stick together." Snape pulled the wooden door closed behind him with a clang. "No one is going to save you, not down here."

"Oh hell, oh hell…" Sirius tried to stand and slumped back to the ground.

Snape laughed cruelly. "I'll admit it; I went through a  _great_ deal of work for this moment. All in all, I'd say it was worth it." He took a step forward, his boots clicking on the stones underfoot.

Sirius felt along his pockets for his wand and came up empty. "Wha-what is this, Severus?"

"This, you idiotic waste of flesh, is what you've got coming to you." Snape took another several steps forward and grabbed Sirius' chin roughly. "Did you think I'd let you get away with humiliating me last year, you foolish, foolish boy? I don't think you understand." Snape released his face and kicked him in the ribs, making Sirius gasp and fall over. "I've been planning this moment for a long, long time. All summer I practiced the Imperius curse on various animals. It's a complex spell, Sirius, not that you will ever be powerful enough to cast it. There's something very subtle about it; it's more like a potion than a spell. The Imperious must be carefully tended, so as to not be too strong, and thus addle the brains of your intended, or else too weak, thus letting them out of your grips. The Dark Lord himself was impressed with the speed with which I learned it, I might add."

"Big fucking deal," Sirius spat, pulling himself back up again. He tasted copper; his saliva was thick with blood.

"Yes, it is," Snape said levelly. He was pacing now, running a hand through his oily hair. He looked ill, his skin sallow and sweating. "The Imperious was crucial to my plans. I practiced on very few humans before casting it on your old friend Trevor Cotten, but of course it went flawlessly."

It seemed, to Sirius, like a good idea to keep Snape talking. "Why'd you go to all the trouble, Snivellus? Why not just have your goons scoop me up?"

"I wanted your friends to hate you first," he said simply. "The pamphlet…it's almost as crucial as the Imperius was. Where did you leave that pamphlet, Sirius?"

"Like I'd tell you."

"No need." Snape spread his fingers and smiled. "I've got eyes all over this castle now. Comes with having important friends. That's how I know that James Potter found that pamphlet lying on your bed not one hour ago." He smiled, and there was something wild in it. "I'm not sure that would have been enough on its own, but thankfully Remus Lupin stopped trusting you sometime around the night you kissed the  _love of my life_ , you wretched little _mutt_. He lied about being sick and tailed you to the meeting. So nice to have trusting friends, isn't it?"

Sirius licked his lips. "You're lying."

"You know I'm not." Snape stooped down in front of him, grinning ear to ear. "No one is coming to save you."

"Peter." Sirius latched to the idea like a life preserver in an unruly sea. "Peter, he might…"

Snape simply laughed and touched Sirius' face, so gently it seemed more like the touch of a lover than an enemy. "I haven't decided how to punish you," he whispered, looking into his eyes. "Impulsive, I know. The Dark Lord would kill you. Shall I?"

Panic began to set in. Desperate, Sirius swung at Snape and was rewarded with intense and terrible pain coursing through him in waves.

"Another of the Unforgivables," Snape drawled in his ear. "The Crucio curse. I rather like it, and it's so much simpler to cast than the Imperious. The only Unforgivable I've yet to try is Avada Kedavra." He leaned in closer and hissed, "I'm dying to see its effects."

In that moment, Sirius felt sure he was about to die. Wandless, friendless, and doubled over in pain, the world seemed a very dark and empty place.

And then he heard James' voice and the light flooded back in. "Piss off!" James cried. " _Expelliarmus! Protego! Stupefy!_ "


	9. Chapter 9

Snape stood at once, his pale face pinched. The noise of chaos in the hall was moving ever closer. Turning to Sirius, his face terrifying and deadly, Snape bellowed: " _Sectumsepra!_ "

At first, Sirius thought the spell had failed. He knew what it was supposed to do, but the pain was absent. Slowly, as if in a dream, he looked down at his chest…and discovered his shirt torn, and the tears thick with blood. All at once the pain struck through him as he touched shaking fingers to his bleeding chest. He looked up at Snape, who was staring at him with wide, frightened eyes, his wand still extended outward. " _Sev_ ," he gasped before slumping over, his breathing ragged and his eyes closed. Dimly he was aware of the door clattering open and what sounded like a fistfight, but then he was dreaming, dreaming of a moonlit night in the Owlery and Severus Snape holding a dead owl and sobbing.

* * *

"He needs his rest!" A female voice, shrill.

"I told you, I won't leave!"  _James._

There was a sound of swishing robes, and then a soothing male voice: "Poppy, please. The boy is doing no harm here."

Tense silence. Finally, clicking heels and a faint muttering growing more distant by the second: "…won't let me run  _my_ hospital, he can do it himself then, fat lot of good it does to argue…"

James cleared his throat. "Thank you, Headmaster."

The older man's voice was kind and full of care. "Mr. Potter, I would not ask you to leave this room should my life depend on it." Sirius heard him take a step towards the bed. "Ah, but it seems your friend is waking. I have some affairs which need be attended, but do let Mr. Black know I will return summarily." He padded away on soft feet; the door, some distance away, creaked open and clicked closed.

"Sirius?" James took his hand carefully. The warmth of it was pleasant and made Sirius smile gently. He blinked and opened his eyes very slowly.

The hospital wing was dark and empty, the only light glowing from a small lamp near the door and from the white sliver of moon that hung just outside the window. James gave his hand a squeeze. His hair was messier than normal, his face scratched and one eye blackened. He sat on the edge of Sirius' bed, ignoring the chair which had been placed there for him. "Welcome back," he whispered, grinning lopsidedly.

Sirius chuckled hoarsely. "Have I been here long?"

"Two days, six hours, twelve…no, thirteen minutes." James laughed. "I took down twenty Death Eaters on my own trying to save you, and you nearly get yourself killed by  _Snivellus_ Snape? I thought for sure I'd bust that door down and find you surrounded." He gave his hand another squeeze, his eyes twinkling. Softly, he added, "I thought you were dead. You looked…" He cleared his throat and looked away, blinking.

"You saved me." Sirius sat up a little, wincing. "Why?"

James looked at Sirius like he had lost his mind. "What do you mean, 'why'? You dolt, you're my best mate!"

Shaking his head, Sirius looked away. "No, I'm a terrible friend. I kiss your girl and ignore you for weeks, and then I shirk off to a Death Eaters' meeting like the prat I am…" He looked up at James. "I'm an arse. You'd have been right to leave me."

"You  _are_ an arse," James said, matter-of-factly, "for thinking any of that matters." He leaned in a bit, his dark eyes shining. "What we've got, Sirius…none of that can touch it. I love you, mate. That's for life." He leaned back a bit and grinned. "Even if you do _try_ to fuck everything up."

The boys laughed, the motion of it causing a slight sting in Sirius' chest. James' hand in his felt firm and good…too good. The feeling he had been carrying all year filled his chest and threatened to burst out through his wounds. All at once, before he could change his mind, Sirius whispered: "There's something else I should tell you."

James held up his other hand. "Whatever it is, I forgive you in advance."

"It's not anything like that." Sirius sat up as best he could, trying hard to control his breathing. "I just…I'm in love with you."

At once James stood and ran a hand through his hair and down his face. Sirius could see from his spot on the bed that James was trembling terribly…but he didn't regret his words. He didn't know what reaction he had hoped for, but he couldn't keep the truth inside of him anymore. It hurt too much. Still, he watched James carefully, his heart aching.

"Oh, hell, Sirius…" James cleared his throat. "I know that. Of course I know that." He sat down slowly, still shaking. "I…well, damn it, Sirius, I can't be two people!"

Sirius blinked. "Wha-"

"Don't you think I feel it, too?" James slammed his fist on the bed, his voice thick with frustration. "I never…blimey, Sirius, you're like my other half. It's always been that way: you and me. I'd die for you; you know that." He put his face in his hands and added in a shaking whisper, "But I love her, too. I can't be two people, but I can't choose between you."

Now Sirius was shaking. He leaned up, ignoring the pain, and took James into his arms, pulling him back against his aching chest. "I'll never ask you to choose, James. I just wanted you to know: you're the one for me." He snuggled his face into James' and neck and smiled at his friend's shaking sigh. Carefully, barely daring to breathe, he kissed James' ear.

James half-turned and met his eyes. His voice a shaking whisper, James said, "Let's pretend it's only us tonight. You and me. The rest of the world doesn't exist. Okay?"

Sirius gave a little nod, and James leaned forward slowly, kissing Sirius so softly he barely felt the whisper of his lips. He turned the rest of the way around, his fingers dancing carefully across Sirius' still-sore skin, and kissed him more fully, pressing Sirius back against the bed. Soon they were gasping, Sirius pressing his hips up against James and enjoying the hardness of them, his hands wrapped around them, his nails digging. James kissed him deeply, his tongue playing against Sirius' own, and gave a little groan as Sirius moved his hands up his back and pulled away his shirt. Sirius tossed it aside, bringing his mouth back to James' and kissing him greedily, his hands moving down James' chest and to the waist of his jeans. Sirius was trembling too badly to work the button, and began to pull them down around James' hips when the door creaked open and soft footsteps echoed through the room.

The boys flew apart, James yanking his shirt back on and falling into the chair at Sirius' side. They were both breathing too hard when the Headmaster stepped around the privacy screen and smiled. "Mr. Black, you're awake," he said, beaming. "And such healthy color."


	10. Chapter 10

Headmaster Dumbledore eased himself down on the bed and sighed. Sirius and James didn't dare look at each other or speak, and so time ticked slowly by, the three of them ruminating in silence.

Blessedly, Dumbledore eventually spoke. "Madam Pomfrey would prefer I wait to interview you," he said, looking at Sirius over half-moon glasses. "She feels you are not yet up to the task. May I call you Sirius, or would you prefer Mr. Black?"

"Erm, Sirius is fine, sir," he said, trying to neaten his hair as discreetly as possible.

"Sirius. Well then, do  _you_ believe you are well enough to answer a few simple questions? Or would you prefer I come back tomorrow?"

Sirius shot a furtive glance at James, but the moment was gone. "Now is fine, sir."

"Very well!" Dumbledore patted his knee smilingly. "I must admit I am terribly curious as to your responses. And I must also admit that I had hoped to play gobstones with an old friend tomorrow and am loathe to cancel. Excellent." He gave a little jaunty whistle and straightened his pointed, purple hat. "Now: to business. I wonder how it is that you came to find yourself down in the dungeons, being attacked by a fellow student." He gave Sirius an oddly penetrating glance. "You can inform me, I hope?"

"Headmaster, I…" Sirius stopped. Would it do to have the whole sordid story laid bare in front of the headmaster at Hogwarts and the boy he loved? "It was just, well…Severus and I have never gotten along, you see."

"So I'm told." Dumbledore was watching him curiously.

"We fight sometimes." Sirius scratched his nose. "It's not usually…well, things got out of hand, is all."

"Sirius!" James leapt up from the chair. "Out of hand?  _He tried to kill you._ Tell him!"

"Well, yes," Sirius said, the heat returning to his face. "Yes, that's true. But…well, it's just a bit of rivalry, isn't it? Nothing too…look, like I said, things got out of hand." He gave the headmaster his most earnest smile. "It won't happen again, sir. Promise."

Dumbledore was still appraising him with those pale blue eyes. He seemed to be considering something as he ran a hand down his silver beard. After a moment he said, "If I used Priori Incantatem on Severus Snape's wand, what kind of magic would I find there? It is interesting to speculate."

Unsure whether he should answer or not, Sirius stayed silent, watching the old man muse quietly. In fact, he mused at such length that Sirius' mind began to wander, and it startled him when Dumbledore gave his knee a squeeze and stood.

"Ordinarily I would allow your heads of house to work out any disciplinary matters; however, in this instance, I find it prudent to take the task upon myself. To James Potter, I award twenty-five house points for bravery and loyalty," said Dumbledore, patting James lightly on the shoulder.

James beamed. Dumbledore went on: "To Sirius Black, I award twenty-five house points…for a different sort of bravery." There was an oddly knowing twinkle in his eye. "And to both of you, I extend the offer to skiv off and start Christmas break early. Sirius, it will take some time to finish healing. And James, I don't believe you intend to remain anywhere Sirius is not. You both have strong marks; I don't imagine three weeks of missed classes will change that." Dumbledore ran his hand down his beard once more. "However, it would perhaps be best not to say as much to your professors. Happy Christmas!" He gave a little bow and left the room as quietly as he came in.

The boys watched him go before turning to each other, too incredulous to feel awkward. "Happy Christmas, indeed," James whistled.

* * *

It certainly was a pleasant break. James had been a little strange at first, stumbling over words and never meeting Sirius' eyes, but within a week the pair were snogging at every decent opportunity. Even when they were able to keep their hands off each other, they behaved more like a couple than Sirius had ever expected. They had snowfights and walked through the woods together, holding hands and watching their breath come out in puffs. They stayed up entirely too late, smashed together in one twin bed, their cold feet pressed together for warmth. More than once they had whispered sweet sentiments to each other in the dark. James had even suggested one evening, in something less than a whisper, that they make love…but Sirius didn't want to rush this new facet of their friendship, and he said as much. The sex could wait. It was important to him that James didn't think Sirius only loved him for his body.

And there was another reason, one that Sirius kept to himself and which he had never truly put into words. It was there every time James sat down and wrote a letter to Lily, smiling to himself and spinning a finger in his thick hair. James wasn't his. They could play at lovers, but Sirius didn't feel they could ever  _be_ lovers…not with Lily in the picture. But he had promised James he wouldn't make him choose. There was no simple answer, but Sirius didn't want his first time with James to be tainted by such awful feelings. It seemed easier to wait.

On the last day of break James kissed him lightly and said, "Back to real life now, love. Can we manage that?"

Sirius wove his fingers through James'. "We'll have to."

* * *

That proved more difficult than either boy had expected. They had both become minor celebrities in their absence, and the entire school was eager to hear the story from their mouths. Girls, especially, flocked to them, cooing and giggling. Most knew that James had Lily, and so Sirius found himself smothered with female attention. But worse than that, for Sirius, was the reaction Remus had to his return.

"Not expelled, then?" he asked coolly. It was the first day back to classes, and they were outside on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, practicing unicorn healing methods on stuffed toy horses for Care of Magical Creatures.

Sirius glanced up at him, surprised by his tone. "Why should I be? Severus attacked me."

"And I keep asking myself  _why_. Why you?" Remus picked up a bandage and began applying it gruffly. "It makes me think about last year, when you passed out in the corridor and James had to find you. Remember? Someone in one of my classes- Charms, I think- said something about seeing you with Snape. I thought,  _that can't be right_. Now I'm not so sure."

Sirius stopped measuring out his blood-clotting potion and fixed Remus with a look. "Just what are you getting at?"

"It just seems rather curious." Remus stopped working as well. "Snape calling you out last year, calling you names. And then someone seeing you with him in the hall. And then…well, you said you were off seeing a girl those few times you snuck off, but I  _know_ I saw her once when you were supposed to be together."

"If you want to accuse me of something," Sirius growled, "then do it. Don't dance around it."

"All right, fine." His eyes hard, Remus leaned forward and said, "I think you're a Death Eater."

Sirius laughed aloud, drawing looks from his classmates and an "ahem" from the professor. "You think I'm a  _what_? Come off it, mate."

"I thought you'd react that way." Remus rubbed his chin, his eyes still worried. "But it all adds up. All of that  _strange_ familiarity with that greasy git Snivellus Snape, and then…" He shook his head. "I shouldn't have done it, but when I saw where you were going I felt glad for it. I followed you to that Death Eaters meeting."

 _So Severus was telling the truth about that._ Sirius shrugged. "Yeah, I went. I wanted to see my brother."

Remus laughed. "Your brother? The one that disowned you over the summer? The one that sent you a howler on your mum's birthday about what an awful son you are? Sure. That makes a lot more sense. Thanks for clearing that up." He shook his head again, but his eyes were fierce. "How can we be friends, if you're one of them? Honestly, Sirius, I want to know. How can you believe that people like me deserve to die and still be my friend? And Lily, how can you still be friends with Lily? She's Muggleborn," he lowered his voice, "or maybe you call it 'Mudblood' now."

"Remus, I'm not-"

"Look," Remus said, his voice a bit hoarse, "you might have James fooled, and you might have Professor Dumbledore fooled, but I can see what's in front of me. All the evidence is there. So…so if you feel that way, then great for you. But I don't think I want to know you anymore." With that, Remus stood and stalked off to the professor. The pair talked for a moment, and then a girl was sent over.

She stooped down to the ground and smiled. "Hiya, Sirius! I'm your new partner. Why didn't Remus want to partner with you anymore? He's  _jealous_ , isn't he?"

Sirius blinked at her and looked over at Remus, who had knelt down in the snow with some other boy, a blonde-haired kid with big, sleepy eyes. Working diligently, Remus didn't even spare him a backwards glance.


	11. Chapter 11

Lily's reception was much warmer.

"Oh, Merlin!" She leapt up from the plush burgundy armchair she'd been lounging in as Sirius passed the through Fat Lady portrait and into Gryffindor common room.

"Not quite," said Sirius, pulling her into a hug, "but close enough."

She giggled cheerfully and kissed his cheek a dozen times. "I wanted to come see you, but James said you weren't well enough." Pulling back to examine him, Lily screwed up her face. "You look well enough to me. Better than before your, erm,  _incident,_ if I say so myself."

"Then James was right." Sirius flopped down in front of the fire and yawned. "Rest did me well."

Lily joined him on the couch, leaning against him. Her hair smelled like strawberries, and Sirius couldn't help but wonder:  _Does James get dreamy over that, the scent of Lily's shampoo? Will he go home and smell the mint of my shampoo on his pillow and feel the same way, or will he wish it was her scent there instead?_  A terrible feeling washed through him, much worse than anything he'd felt before when he was only pining after James and thinking he was alone in his feelings. Without warning, he leapt up from the couch and rubbed his eyes.

"Sirius?" Lily sat up. Her concern was both touching and irritating.

"I'm fine." It shamed Sirius slightly to hear the annoyance in his voice. "I'm just…peckish. I'm going to head down to the kitchen and coerce the house elves into giving me a late night snack."

Standing, Lily took his hand. "I'll come with."

"No," he said, yanking his hand away. "No, I'll need to borrow James' cloak and there isn't room for both of us."

Lily looked slightly hurt but nodded slowly. "All right. Well, do be careful?"

"Of course."

* * *

Sirius moved down the hallway, feeling for all the world like one of the castle's ghosts. He also felt like a jerk, guilt weighing in his stomach like a stone.

Remus didn't trust him and, laughably, thought he was a Death Eater. The only way to explain all the things Sirius' observant, furry friend had noticed would be to tell him the truth: that for a time, he and Severus were both enemies and lovers, fighting and fucking in equal turns.  _Not an option_ , Sirius thought wearily, glancing both ways before slipping into a disused storeroom on the ground floor of the castle. Picking his way through dusty furniture and stacks of musty books and yellowing papers, he edged his way to the back of the room and found what he was looking for: the old two-way mirrors he and James used to use during detentions. He sat down on the floor with a sigh and picked them up, brushing the dust off carefully.

He shouldn't have been cruel to Lily. Bad enough to have Remus against him; Lily truly was a dear friend and a sweet girl, deserving of more kindness than Sirius had shown her.  _But he loves her_ , Sirius thought fiercely. He moved to dash one of the mirrors to floor and stopped himself. Why ruin something he cherished? Like his friendships with Remus, Lily, and James, the mirrors deserved to be preserved and treated gently. He tucked them into a rucksack he'd been carrying and yawned.

It was terribly late, though how late Sirius couldn't be sure. He thought it must be nearly dawn. With another tremendous yawn, he stood and started towards the door when it creaked open, a lamp-held aloft by a thin, white hand- shining so brightly Sirius was nearly blinded. He pressed himself up against the wall, yanking the Cloak over him, and held his breath as the person, a tall man in a dark cloak, moved silently into the room.

 _Lord Voldemort?_ he thought, his heart thumping wildly. The figure raised a bony arm and pulled down his hood…to reveal himself as none other than Headmaster Dumbledore. It was only when the initial shock wore off that Sirius realized Dumbledore was not alone: following him closely was a man near to him in age. A foolish-looking hat was perched tidily upon his carefully-trussed hair, and he wore the expression of a man who would rather be home in bed.

"Come on, then, Albus," he sighed, barely stifling a yawn. "I'm sure we can send a house elf along for it in the morning."

"I am afraid this cannot wait, Elphias, though I wish it were otherwise." Dumbledore was leaning over a trunk and perusing its contents with interest. "It seems, despite my best efforts, we are running short on time."

"You don't suppose…" Elphias gave a little shudder. "Well, they're radicals, to be sure, but…no, I don't believe they will do anything  _drastic_ , Albus. Not so drastic as…" He shuddered again and pulled his arms around himself.

Dumbledore stood and fixed his friend with a look that made Sirius' spine go cold. "The attacks on Muggles have increased  _drastically_ , I would dare say."

"W-well, yes-"

"And though some may disagree, it is my opinion that the murder of two Muggle-born witches is, in a word, drastic." Dumbledore's voice was soft, but there was a sharp, reprimanding quality to it that Sirius had never heard from the man he associated with start-of-the-year speeches and wisecracks.

"Of course, I understand that, I was merely suggesting-"

"I have not yet told the others in the Order," Dumbledore said in that same soft but powerful voice, "but I have received word that they intend to attack the Ministry within the month. My dear old friend, we must prepare ourselves for war."

Sirius had to bite his lip to keep from gasping, though Elphias did not bother to contain himself, letting out a small noise that sounded like a cross between a moan and a squeak. "Surely not? Your source, is he reliable?"

Dumbledore bent back down and resumed digging through the trunk. "It would be difficult, even for the most loyal of Death Eaters, to mislead me while under the effects of veritaserum." He stood up, empty-handed, and ran a hand over his beard. "Yes, Elphias, I do believe he was telling the truth…or as much of the truth as he knew."

He took a step towards a stack of books and held the lantern close, muttering to himself. Elphias rubbed his jaw, grimacing. "You think they mean to do more than that, even?" he said after a moment, disbelief and horror lacing his voice.

Plucking a book from the stack- and sending the others toppling noisily- Dumbledore straightened and shot Elphias a dark smile. "In fact, I do." He handed the shorter man the book and said, "Take this to my office, please, and put it somewhere safe. Then wait there for me. There is much to be discussed; however, there is one more thing I must do here."

Elphias looked at Dumbledore tiredly before dusting off the cover of the book in hands and mouthing, " _Mastering the Patronus_. Mother of Merlin, what's this going to help?"

"Please trust me." Dumbledore touched his hand lightly, his half-moon glasses flashing in the lamplight. "It is my hope that I will not disappoint you."

With a sigh, Elphias nodded. "I'll go, then. Shall I send for the others?"

"That won't be necessary."

Elphias gave a little nod and left the small room, the book clutched to his chest and his eyes darting. When he had gone, Dumbledore gave a small sigh.

In a whir of robes and beard, Dumbledore pivoted and pointed his wand in Sirius' directions. He said nothing, but before Sirius realized anything was happening he found himself falling over, paralyzed. In the same instant James' Cloak lifted neatly into the air as if clutched by an invisible hand.

"Ah, Sirius." Dumbledore gave his wand a spin and Sirius felt the spell that had gripped him release. "My apologies. One never knows who is listening in the shadows. I hope you'll take an old man's hand in forgiveness?"

Sirius did just that, taking Dumbledore's extended hand and pulling himself up from the floor. The Cloak still hung in the air, lightly bouncing at regular intervals. "I should be the one apologizing, sir. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I was just here and…" He trailed off, realizing at once that it was well after hours, and that no matter what he said he was likely to be in a great deal of trouble.

To his surprise, Dumbledore perched lightly on a stack of books and gave a little yawn. "Perhaps it is not the place of either of us to apologize. In fact, one might call this chance meeting of ours a serendipitous occasion." He glanced at Sirius and patted the stack next to him.

Gently, fearing his rather larger bottom might upset the stack, Sirius eased down beside Dumbledore, who was watching him with a kindly twinkle in his eyes. "You have never inquired as to the punishment given to Severus Snape. Why is that?"

This seemed an odd thing to discuss, given the gravity of the things Dumbledore had been saying to Elphias, and so Sirius simply shrugged. "It isn't important to me."

"Do you not believe in justice? Should bad deeds go unpunished, Sirius?"

"No, sir." Sirius looked at him curiously. "Sir, these questions seem a bit odd."

Dumbledore laughed, but there was no teasing in it. "Then perhaps what I am about to tell you will seem odd, as well. I must ask you not to interrupt, as I'm short on time, and for that I am truly sorry. But I do believe it would benefit you to listen." He smoothed the lap of his robe and said, "When I was your age, Sirius-oh, perhaps a year or so older- I had a very dear friend. He and I were as close as two people can be. But there was a  _darkness_  in him, Sirius. Though my love for him clouded my vision, others saw him for what he was: a Dark wizard with extraordinary talent and a disheartening disgust for Muggles." Dumbledore looked at Sirius, his eyes seeming to pierce through his skin and look into his heart. "What shames me, Sirius, is that I sometimes felt his darkness echoed something inside of  _me._ I thought it couldn't be helped, and I foolishly believed that it didn't  _need_ to be helped. How freeing it would be, I thought, to give into that darkness.

"I won't bore you with the details of an old man's sad life, but I will tell you this: I lost someone I loved because I closed my eyes to the truth. I was so foolish! I thought,  _he understands. He gets me._  But we were very different people, Sirius, and for that I'm glad: he could live with the darkness, embrace it, help it to bloom…and I never could. When my friend and I parted ways, I knew the next time we faced each other it would be as enemies."

Dumbledore stood and dusted off his robe. "There's nothing wrong with loving someone who has a good and kind heart, Sirius. But sometimes we must accept that the one we cared for is now the one we must abhor." He patted Sirius' knee and gave him a small, tired smile. "Get some rest, Sirius. And, in the future, please try to keep in mind that students are not supposed to be hanging about in dusty storerooms at four in the morning."


	12. Chapter 12

James leaned back and gave a low whistle. "War? In less than a month? If it had been anyone but Dumbledore that said it, I'd never believe it."

"I know." Sirius scratched his chin. "You musn't say anything to…well, anyone else. This doesn't leave this, erm…" He looked around. "Tunnel."

James laughed. They were lying together in the tunnel underneath the Whomping Willow, the tight space leaving just enough room for them to lie side by side, hand in hand. It was dark and damp, and the air smelled thickly of earth, but Sirius was just happy they were alone.

"So what did he do when he found you?" James turned on his side and ran his hand across Sirius' stomach, a motion that made Sirius shiver and struggle to steady his breathing.

Clearing his throat, he said, "Told me some lame story about an old friend of his. I don't know, the man can be something of a kook, can't he?" Sirius didn't dare tell James how the story had really made him feel, but he could still feel the effects of it two days later. It was mindblowing and a little scary, the way Dumbledore had seen right through his protectiveness towards Severus. Of course Dumbledore was right; Sev was bad news, through and through. But that didn't change the way Sirius felt, or the strange pang of sorrow that tugged at his heart whenever he thought of the look on Snape's face in the boys' bathroom. Sirius thought that, for just a moment, Severus had cared for him. But that moment had long since passed.

"Sirius?"

"Mmm."

"If there  _is_ a war," James whispered, moving closer to him, "then we should do everything we can to help, right? I mean, we're adults. We can Apparate, and perform decently advanced magic. We've got good marks, and we're not easily frightened." He leaned his head against Sirius' chest. "We can do things in our Animagi form for the…eh…what'd you say he called them?"

"The Order." Sirius considered for a moment. "It couldn't hurt to ask. It's not like Dumbledore doesn't know  _I_ know." He ran a hand through James' hair and sighed. "But I didn't get the feeling that this 'Order' is exceptionally large. And you saw how many Death Eaters there were in the paper this morning. I swear, they're multiplying."

"All the more reason to get involved. Hey," he leaned up and brushed his lips against Sirius'. "This all may come to nothing, yet. Let's not stress ourselves. It's just something to consider."

"No, you're right." Sirius turned and pulled James closer still. "But right now I'd like to consider something else."

"What's that?"

"How we've managed to be alone together, in the dark, for near twenty minutes- without snogging each other to bits."

James laughed and slipped his hands up Sirius' shirt, his hands cool. "Blimey, I don't know, Sirius. I guess we'd better remedy that."

* * *

Having decided that James was right, and that perhaps Dumbledore had been hinting at the same idea himself, Sirius decided to recommend The Marauders for the Order. He wasn't sure who was in it, or what their secondary tenets were, but he knew it was ran by Dumbledore, and he knew they would fight the Death Eaters…and Sirius believed, in his heart, that those were both good things.

However, his decision proved difficult to impress upon the headmaster. For one thing, he couldn't find him. Having been to his office daily for two weeks straight, the stoop-backed secretary groaned when she next saw him, on the third day of February, sidling into the office reception area.

"He's still out on business," Mrs. Koontz sniffed, her beak-nose crinkled. Mrs. Koontz was a relic from the former headmaster's reign, and she was as ancient as she was unwelcome. Though Dumbledore never said anything untoward either to or about her, it was well known amongst faculty and the student body that Dumbledore would prefer she retired…possibly because in the last moments of every end-of-year speech, Dumbledore would announce her retirement to great applause. Mrs. Koontz usually just scowled and hissed, "I'll retire when I die." But no one could blame the headmaster for his wishful thinking.

"He can't be reached?" Sirius asked for the fifteenth time.

"No." Mrs. Koontz tapped her nails on her desk gratingly. Her upper lip was curled up under nose as though she were sniffing sour milk. "And I don't think he'd take kindly to being bothered by a student. Shouldn't you be in class?"

"I've got a break." Sirius looked around the room for some indication of Dumbledore's preoccupation. "Did he say when he'd be back?"

The secretary let out a long, irritated breath. "Noooo, for the umpteenth time, no. Whether it's important or not, whatever's on your mind  _will just have to wait_ , understand?" She glowered at him until he, dragging his feet, slipped back out into the hall with a sigh.

* * *

A good distraction came on the fifth, in the form of dozens of ministry officials. Hogwarts was having a giant recruiting convention- the first of its kind- for seventh years in one of the big conference halls on the lower level of the castle. James spent breakfast practically bubbling.

"We'll meet some real, live Aurors!" he squealed, bouncing in his seat.

"I should hope they'll be live," Sirius droned. He hadn't given much consideration to his career path when choosing his N.E.W.T.s, assuming that he'd have the Black family fortune to bolster him through life. That seemed like a significantly less likely future, now, but Sirius hadn't given much thought to how he'd manage after school was through. Having never worried about money before, it seemed like an impossible and unimportant thing to consider.

Remus, who was still ignoring Sirius quite thoroughly, looked up at James. "Do you think they'll send someone from Werewolf Support Services?" His voice was hushed but hopeful. "That could be kind of nice, cushy job…in the Beings Division…helping, you know, people like me."

"Sure, mate," James said with false cheeriness. "They might." He shot a quick glance to Sirius, who looked gloomily down at his eggs. Yet another reason to dread the careers seminar.

* * *

Sirius ambled through the convention room slowly, glancing at booths and dodging pamphlets that zipped around the room in various shapes: airplanes, dragons, cranes, and beetles. He caught a crane as it whizzed past his ear and unfolded it.

_**LOVE QUIDDITCH?** _

_**Enjoy an exciting career in the Department of Magical Games and Sports! (BOOTH 12)** _

_**(We might add there is also a Gobstone division, for you lesser athletes out there.)** _

Sirius crumpled it up and tossed it over his shoulder, where it fluttered pathetically in the air before dropping limply to the ground. With a yawn, he looked over a table decorated regally and bearing the words "Wizengamot: More Exciting than You'd Think". He perused the portraits of stuffy old men and women for a moment before all hell broke loose.

"Students! Your attention!" Professor McGonagall's voice rang out over the convention, bringing the room to a standstill. "You will proceed immediately to your common rooms, please, in a neat and orderly fashion! Prefects, please lead your housemates to the common rooms, and make sure each student is in attendance. Should you discover you are missing a student, have one prefect from each house await me in my office with their names." There was silence, and then her voice returned: "That would mean  _now_ , thank you."

The room burst into life. Some of the more foolish girls screamed, and some of the boys began to horseplay. However most students, having had McGonagall as a teacher either for O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s level Transfiguration, knew she was nothing to fool with and scurried quickly towards their common rooms.

Sirius simply sought James. He found him at the Aurors' table, his jaw clenched. "Do you think-" he began, but Sirius shook his head and he fell silent. Together they scanned the room for Remus, Peter, and Lily, but they were nowhere to be found and McGonagall was sternly chasing off the stragglers, and so they went together up to the common room, their fingers brushing against one another's in silent solidarity.


	13. Chapter 13

"It's the Death Eaters, isn't it?" James whispered. He and Sirius sat at a chess table, leaning over the pieces, their faces grim.

"Must be." Sirius glanced around furtively. "Think about it: Dumbledore's been away. And now they've got the castle in lockdown…I think it must have happened. The Ministry's been attacked."

James shook his head, his eyes round and dark. It took all of Sirius' willpower not to slip his hand under James' tense jaw and kiss all that worry away.

Thankfully he was distracted from such thoughts by a cleared throat. "Why is it," Remus said, appearing beside them like he had Apparated there, "that you two look like you know exactly what's going on?"

It was the first time in a month that Remus had addressed Sirius in any sense, and the shock of it made him glance around the room. Remus was right; they were behaving oddly. The rest of the room was positively giddy; excited voices carried all around them, punctuated by the loud bursts of a rousing game of Exploding Snap. Guiltily, Sirius met Remus' eyes. "That's because we do," he said.

James kicked him under the table, but Sirius shook his head and dropped his voice even lower. "He ought to know," he hissed to James, before muttering to Remus, "Meet us upstairs."

* * *

The group sat on James' bed, each staring at the duvet like it was about to do a trick. Sirius had just told Remus everything he knew about the Order and the planned attack on the Ministry, which admittedly wasn't much.

"What are we going to do?" Remus asked when everything had been said.

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "What do you mean? What  _can_ we do?" He looked at James for confirmation, but instead found him in deep thought, nodding slightly.

"We should do… _something_ ," James said softly.

Now well irritated, Sirius growled, "Yes, okay, let's all huddle together and hope for the best. That seems to be the extent of our power in this."

"We ought to go to the Ministry."

Sirius looked at James like he had two heads. "We ought to…?" He shook his head. "How would we even get there?"

"We'd Apparate, obviously," said Remus, chewing his thumbnail.

"Except that we can't. Because we're in the castle. And no one can Apparate on Hogwarts' grounds," seethed Sirius.

Remus looked up at him. "Look, you can stay. No one's forcing you. I know I'd feel safer not having to worry about you switching sides, anyway-"

"I want to help! But you two are talking about this like it's feasible when it isn't-"

"Why aren't you there anyway?" Remus and Sirius were now inches from each other, their eyes narrowed. "Shouldn't you be with your friends, killing innocent Muggles and destroying the Wizarding community?"

"Stop it, both of you!" James pushed them apart sternly. "Honestly. You're both wrong anyway."

They gaped at him, and he went on matter-of-factly. "Remus, Sirius is  _not_ a Death Eater. I know this because he's my best friend, and I trust him with my life." Remus didn't look mollified, but James took his silence as encouragement and went on: "And Sirius, mate, you're making this more complicated than it has to be. No one said we'd Apparate from Hogwarts. Obviously, we'd be in Hogsmeade at the time."

"Right," said Remus, and Sirius spluttered, "What? How?"

"We'll make a break for it. Take the passage out to the Shrieking Shack and then Apparate from there." James folded his arms triumphantly.

"I meant, how are we going to get out of the castle? You know, past the prefects, and McGonagall? Oh, and let's not forget Filch."

They all mused on that for a moment. Finally, Remus said weakly, "The Cloak?"

"We can't all fit," huffed James, mussing his hair mindlessly. "Not anymore."

"No," agreed Sirius. "No…but Remus can. And…oh, and James! We don't need to! Of course! It makes perfect sense."

"Explain," said Remus, though his voice was friendlier than it had been, and so Sirius did.

* * *

Sirius burst down the stairs, barking and growling, thick foamy drool hanging from his deadly jaws. The kids in Gryffindor tower screamed, pushing against each other, as he leapt at them, snapping and snarling. He padded hurriedly towards the Fat Lady portrait, pleased to see that no one had considered hexing him. The painting swung out and he leapt out through it, turning once to growl fiercely at the students before trotting off down the hallway.

Beside him James appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. "Do you think they saw my feet?" he asked worriedly, glancing at his sneakers. Sirius shook his furry black head, and Remus muttered from under the Cloak: "No, Padfoot put on a good show. Okay, time for you to transform. No way we can both stay hunched under this Cloak long enough to get outside."

James didn't need to be told twice. In a breath he was gone, and in his place stood the great stag Prongs.

"All right, come on," whispered Remus from somewhere to their left. Sirius could hear and smell him well enough to follow him closely, and James did the same. They moved quickly, though Sirius felt he could run a hundred times faster and never tire. It felt good to transform after such a long time, his muscles thick and his senses strong.

They were nearly down the main staircase when both Prongs and Padfoot stopped. James went stiff as a board, his black nose twitching, and Sirius gave a low whine. "Someone's coming?" Remus breathed, and the two nodded. "McGonagall?" he asked, and Sirius took a deep breath before shaking his head.

Remus seemed to relax. "Okay, then Padfoot's show ought to do the trick. Go get 'em, boy."

Sirius butted his head up against Remus for the jibe before taking off down the steps, barking as loudly as he could manage and pleased to hear his sharp voice echoing off the marble stairs. He headed towards the scent, his head low and his body working more perfectly than it ever could in human form.

Ahead of him, a group of Hufflepuffs were scattering, their prefect leader stuck in place, her mouth a perfect O.

"Bloody hell!" someone cried. "E's rabid, innit?" Sirius ran to the speaker, snapping his teeth, and enjoyed the little shriek he gave as he tumbled away. Soon the group was completely disbanded and fleeing. Sirius watched them go with a pang of pleasure before jogging back to his friends.

"Took you long enough," hissed Remus, but his voice was teasing. Sirius jostled him once more before slipping out of the big front doors and into the sunny afternoon.

The walk to the Whomping Willow was hardest for Remus, who found it difficult to traverse the deep, slick snowdrifts. After ten arduous minutes, Sirius decided,  _to hell with this_ , and scooped Remus neatly on to his back. James made a noise that sounded startlingly like a laugh, and Remus almost made to argue, but in the end he kept his mouth shut and clutched Sirius' fur nervously.

When they arrived, Remus slipped off of Sirius' back and yanked off the Cloak, stuffing it in his old, worn-out backpack. He withdrew his wand and mumbled, and the trio watched as a stone lifted from the lake's bank and dropped tidily on the Willow's stop-button.

They moved hastily towards the secret entrance and crawled inside, Remus on all fours and Sirius still in dog form. James found his antlers couldn't fit through the tunnel and was forced to clamber in behind the others, naked in his human form. By the time they reached the Shrieking Shack, he was muddy and shivering all over.

Averting his gaze, Remus tossed James his backpack. Sirius quickly switched back into human form himself, laughing. "How did we not realize that was going to be an issue?" he chuckled, yanking on his jeans.

James tied his trainers with shaking fingers. "I d-don't know," he chattered, "h-hasty p-planning?"

They finished dressing and retrieved their wands from Remus' bag. "Ready, then?" asked Remus, his face a little pale.

Sirius nodded, and James, now much warmer in an oversized sweater, said, "I think you ought to do it, since you're the best of us three. We'll Side-Along."

Remus opened and closed his mouth. After consideration he said, "Yeah, you're right. Side-Along Apparation makes the most sense. Okay, come here." He held out his arms, and the other two boys took them carefully, the three feeling the weight of their decision. Remus took a deep, steadying breath and said, in his clearest tones, "Ministry of Magic!"


	14. Chapter 14

The world spun around them sickeningly. Sirius had never been fond of Apparation and kept his eyes squeezed closed, swallowing hard to fight the dreadful feeling in his guts. When he felt solid ground beneath his feet, he opened his eyes slowly.

Still arm in arm, the trio stared up at the burning building before them, their mouths hanging open. A group of Muggles were walking past obliviously; if they had seen the boys Apparate, they didn't show it.

Sirius glanced at his friends, his throat tight. "Now what?" he asked lamely, his eyes huge and dancing with light from the fire.

"I…I don't…" James seemed transfixed by the fire, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Hopping hippogriffs, do you think anyone's alive in there?"

Remus coughed. "I can't imagine so. But where is everyone?"

They looked around pathetically at the empty, silent street. The Muggles had long since turned the corner, and nothing decorated their vision except an old telephone booth and a bit of rubbish that littered the street. "You think they evacuated?"

"To where?" James bit his lip worriedly. "No, damn it, no, I think they're still in there." He looked at his friends with eyes Sirius had never seen before. He had never looked so old. "We have to go in and check."

"That's suicide." Remus shook his head. "No way."

"We have to!" James took a step towards the building and stopped. "We have to, don't we?"

Sirius looked back up at the dancing flames that engulfed the building and swallowed hard. "I'll do it."

"What?" asked Remus, as James cried, "No! Not alone! We'll all go...won't we?"

"No, no." Sirius wanted to touch James, to make him feel okay, but with Remus there… "I'll go in as Padfoot. You know how it is in Animagus form; pain feels different as an animal. I'll be okay. I'll check for survivors and find a good path for you guys, and then I'll come back out. Don't worry."

"I'll come! I'll come as Prongs!"

Sirius shook his head. "A burning building is no place for a stag, mate. This is a dog's job." He smiled and touched James' shoulder, wishing he could kiss him. "I'll be right back."

Clearing his throat, Remus asked, "Are you sure about this?"

"It's the right thing to do." Sirius thought of Dumbledore and nodded. "I'm sure." He glanced up at the building and, watching the flames, changed forms in the blink of an eye. Not hesitating at all, he began to trot off towards the building.

"Promise!" shouted James, his voice thick.

Sirius looked back at him. James had picked up his clothes from the sidewalk and was clutching them to his chest, his eyes bright. "Promise you'll come back," he said softly.

Padding back, Sirius stopped in front of James and lifted one paw. James took it with a nervous smile. "Okay. Okay," he breathed. Leaning down to Sirius' ear, he added in a whisper, "I'm trusting you. Come back to me."

* * *

The building was hot and thick with smoke. Sirius slunk low to the ground, his ears pricked for the slightest noise, his eyes watering. It was hard to smell anything but the acrid scent of burnt and burning ruins.

Moving slowly and picking his way through collapsed walls and flaming debris, Sirius left the main atrium and stalked off towards the reception offices. He didn't hear anything except the "phoomph" of fire consuming something large and the crackle of flames licking through paper. Leaving there, he slipped into the bathrooms, the janitor's closet, the conference hall, and the Wizengamot chambers. All empty. He stood in the atrium for a moment, panting, his fur thick with ash, and wondered how large the Ministry really was. It could take hours to search all of it.

Swallowing thickly, he moved towards the stairs- but a crashing noise from above gave him pause. Through a ragged hole in the ceiling he could hear someone cry, " _Crucio!_ "

_Severus._

Sirius bounded up the steps, a low growl rumbling in his throat. He burst through a burning partition and leapt over a ruined desk, taking Snape down as he landed. Snape tumbled over, his wand somersaulting through the air and falling through the hole in the floor, hitting the ground floor's marble with a few soft plinks. Severus crawled toward the hole and looked down at it, a little cry escaping him.

"I'll kill you!" Snape shrieked, turning back to Sirius. Though he was wearing a Death Eaters' mask and hooded cloak, Sirius imagined he could see the hatred in his slitted eyes. Severus charged him furiously, but Sirius was strong, stronger than he had imagined, and he quickly found himself tumbling roughly to the ground and rolling away. Sirius kept his head low to the ground, his teeth bared, and Snape froze…before dashing towards the steps, his cloak billowing behind him. Sirius made to chase him-

-but an awful coughing from the center of the room stopped him in his tracks. He perked up and listened and she coughed once more, the noise terrible and ragged. Sirius hesitated for just a moment, listening to the hurried pace of Snape's feet on the stairs, before moving hastily toward the noise.

Underneath a fallen support beam laid a small brunette woman, her face dirty and cut. She was trying weakly to move the beam from her chest, but it wouldn't budge. Sirius moved in closer and pushed his body against the beam, first sliding it only inches, then knocking it to the floor with a clang. The woman pressed a blackened hand to her chest and coughed deeply, her eyes rolling. Sirius nudged her and whined, and she tried to focus on him, though he could tell it was a struggle.

"A Grim," she gasped. "I'm dying."

Sirius made a frustrated noise; it would be easier if he could speak, but of course he couldn't…and transforming into a naked teenager surely wouldn't help the situation. He nudged her hand again, hoping she'd get the hint and grab on to him so he could pull her out of the building.

She didn't. "It's funny. I'm dying, but I feel like I'm getting better. Does this take long, dying?" She looked up at Sirius expectantly. "You know, for a Grim you're awful quiet."

He nudged her again, more roughly, and barked. Blinking, she cried, "Oh! Oh, you're no Grim! You're a rescue dog!" She tried to sit up and winced. "I could use rescuing. But…" She looked him over. "Should I just…grab you, then?"

He nodded, and her eyes went wide. "Those damn Muggles think of everything. You speak English, too? Merlin's beard." She leaned up again, hissing at the pain, and wrapped an arm around Sirius' neck. "Suppose you'll have to drag me. Standing doesn't seem to be an option just yet." Carefully, Sirius did as he was told.

* * *

The air outside was so lovely Sirius had to stop for a moment and take several deep breaths. The young woman did the same, breathing deeply before giving another pitiful cough.

"Sirius!" James jogged over and bent down, pressing his face into Sirius' furry neck. "Bloody hell, you were gone long enough!"

"This is your dog, then?" asked the woman, releasing Sirius and slumping to the cement.

James looked at her, then Sirius, then back to her. "Are you the only survivor?"

"Heavens, no." She hacked something black and gritty up on to the sidewalk and groaned. "The others…well, everyone's fine, mister. Better go on your way, then, and forget this ever happened."

"We're wizards," said Remus plainly, stooping beside her. "We go to Hogwarts. See?" He showed her his wand and smiled patiently. "And we know about the Order, and the attack on the Ministry. So we'll ask again: are you the only survivor?"

She looked up at him with narrowed eyes before leaning back and closing them. "The others went after the Death Eaters. Everyone Disapparated, including the Ministry people, though were they went I haven't the foggiest. I stayed behind to clear the building. I had just finished checking all the upstairs rooms and was on my way to check downstairs when that damned bloody beam fell on top of me. And then…oh and then one of those damned dreadful Death Eaters came back and started trying to torture information out of me, if you can believe it!" She sat up angrily, her cheeks pink under the filth of the ash. "When I see that bastard again, I'll give him a piece of my mind, all right!"

Remus suddenly looked very strange. He took off his jacket and put it down under the woman's head before clearing his throat and standing up.

James watched him with a cocked eyebrow before turning back to her. "And what's your name, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I'll ask yours first, if that's quite all right. And your friend, too." She eyed Remus, who flushed and began to fiddle with his collar.

"I'm James Potter," said James, pointing to himself. His thumb towards Remus, he said, "And that's Remus Lupin. Like he said, we're students at Hogwarts. Seventh years," he added hastily.

Remus wiggled his fingers and coughed. "Yes, erm...adults, in fact. Both of us. Including me." He rocked back on his heels awkwardly. "In case you were wondering."

"That's great," said the woman, watching Remus grow increasingly more uncomfortable. "And I'm Alice Longbottom. Now we're done the introductions, can we get somewhere a little, I don't know, safer? Hogwarts would be super." She smiled at Remus, who had immediately knelt down beside her.

"I'll take her to Hogsmeade. You…eh…take care of Sirius. We'll meet in the Shrieking Shack, okay?"

James nodded, barely hiding a smirk. "Sure. Just watch him, miss; that Remus can be a real rouge."


	15. Chapter 15

Once they were alone, Sirius trotted off into the small maintenance building on the side of the Ministry's ruined structure and transformed back. He turned to James, reaching for his clothes.

Instead James pressed him up against the brick wall and kissed him roughly. "You were in there forever," James whispered, nuzzling his neck. "I was so scared. Sirius, you have no idea."

"I'm okay," Sirius smiled, touching his hair. "See? All in one piece."

James looked him over worriedly. "You're bruised."

"Just ash." Sirius ran a finger over his shoulder and pulled it away, revealing the clean spot underneath. "I promise, I'm fine."

"Oh, but here!" James touched his abdomen carefully. "That's a nasty scratch."

"It feels okay." Sirius' voice was husky; he willed himself not to react to James' touch.

James moved a little closer and slid his hand to Sirius' hip. "And here," he whispered, his lips touching Sirius' ear. "Another cut."

Sirius put his hand on top of James' and replied shakily: "I'll live."

Between the lightest of kisses, James breathed, "Sirius, stop being so tough."

Sirius made to protest and stopped. "Okay," he mumbled, taking James' lip between his. They kissed carefully for a moment, James gripping his hips tightly. Sirius fumbled for a moment with James' shirt before tugging it up over his head and dashing it to the ground, pulling James' mouth back to his in an instant. He moved his lips to James' neck, kissing the hollow of his shoulder and the Adam's apple that had bobbed so nervously not an hour earlier. James made a small, happy noise and ran his fingers through Sirius' hair as Sirius kissed lower, trailing his lips down James' chest and along the thin trail of hair that meandered down into James' jeans. James watched him dreamily as Sirius undid his zipper with trembling fingers. He pulled his jeans down carefully, watching James' face to make sure it was okay.

James fell back against the wall and gave a little groan as Sirius took him into his mouth, his eyes closed and his back arching. Sirius had never done that before, and it was with cautious enthusiasm that he moved his tongue down James' hardness. He trailed his fingers down where his tongue had been and James rocked against the motion, tightening his hand in Sirius' hair and panting. "That's good," he gasped, looking at Sirius with flushed cheeks. Sirius beamed at the appraisal and continued eagerly, enjoying the taste and feel of James in his mouth.

"Ah!" James cried, pulling away. Sirius looked up at his pink face worriedly. "I don't want to come yet," James explained softly, stooping down beside Sirius and taking his chin in his hand. "I want to make love to you, Sirius. I don't see why we shouldn't. We're at war now; there may not be another chance."

"Remus is waiting for us," Sirius said lamely. His heart was beating harder than it ever had before.

"Let him wait." James kissed him deeply, passionately. "I can't wait anymore."

They kissed again, James coming down on top of Sirius as they sprawled out on the cool cement floor. Sirius lifted his hips, grinding them into James' and groaning. He was shaking with want. James trembled, too, moving his shaking lips to Sirius' ear. "Will I hurt you?" he whispered, his hand stroking Sirius carefully.

"No," Sirius responded thickly. "No, you won't hurt me. I-I'm ready."

James nodded and took a deep, shaky breath. He positioned himself carefully and looked at Sirius with worried eyes. Sirius simply nodded, then gasped as James slipped gently into him.

"It's okay; don't stop," he moaned to James' startled expression. James only paused before pressing into him fully. Sirius kissed him drunkenly, wrapping his legs around him and moving his hips hungrily.

They made love slowly, kissing and watching each other's faces, touching the places where their bodies met. James was a thoughtful lover, moving into Sirius tenderly, kissing him sweetly. When they came, they came together in one perfect burst of bliss, clutching each other, their faces pressed into each other's necks.

James didn't pull away when he was through but stayed on top of him, inside of him, breathing harshly against his sweat-slick neck and smiling. "I love you, Sirius," he whispered very softly, and Sirius felt so perfect in that moment he almost forgot the rest of the world existed, forgot about Lily and Snape, forgot about the war and Remus, forgot about the hollow ruins of the Ministry laid bare beside them. Almost. He kissed James slowly and looked into his eyes. "I love you, too," he said carefully. He touched James' face. "I know things are ugly out there right now, and I know they're only going to get worse, but I swear, if anything were to happen to you…I think it would kill me. I  _know_ it would."

James smiled and kissed his nose. "You're stronger than you think. And besides, nothing's going to happen to me. I have you, don't I?" He sat up, beaming, his hair tousled and his eyes sleepy. "Enough pillow talk, Sirius Black. Let's get back to the castle and help Ol' Kooky Dumbledore save the world."

* * *

Remus looked at them expectantly. "Took you both long enough," he said, his arms folded. Sirius and James shared a small grin before James lied cheerfully, "I charmed Sirius' clothes and made him chase them down the street. Decently amusing, though I think a few Muggles were traumatized."

"Oh, good, there's a war and you two are fooling about-" Remus began, but Alice lifted a hand and he fell immediately silent.

"Did you say 'Sirius'?" she said, her eyebrows pulled together. "As in, your big dog friend? The one that saved me from the Ministry?"

"Most women wait until they get to know me to call me a dog," Sirius joked, "but yes, that's me. Sirius Black. Lovely to make your acquaintance."

"Right. Okay." She looked at Remus and shook her head. "Why not? The world's at war and teenagers can turn into dogs."

"Actually, we're adults, y'know, all three of us, seventeen and legal-"

Alice gave Remus a look and he fell quiet again. "We need to get to the castle," she said, her face serious. "I think I can manage the walk if one of you will give me a hand-"

She didn't need to finish, as Remus had already put his arm around her waist with a smile. James and Sirius shared a look. Opening the front door with a chivalrous gesture, Sirius grinned: "After you, Mr. Lupin."


	16. Chapter 16

Dumbledore's office was thick with people, all of whom stared as Sirius, James, Remus, and Alice were escorted in by a livid Professor McGonagall.

"Professor Dumbledore," she seethed, "I hope most sincerely that it was not your decision to send these boys out to the Ministry of Magic on their own, _hunting_ for trouble." She stopped in front of his wide stone desk and looked into his ice blue eyes narrowly.

Dumbledore steepled his fingers thoughtfully. "The Ministry?" He looked past McGonagall to Sirius, who bit his lip anxiously. The headmaster's gaze moved down the line of boys and settled finally on Alice, who was leaning against Remus, her face ashen and filthy.

"Yes, Headmaster, the Ministry, when they should have been in their dormitories! They have broken countless school rules this afternoon, and frightened one group of lost Hufflepuff first-years to tears, and I-"

"Should commend them, Professor, for their brave deed." Dumbledore smiled gently. "You see, they have saved the life of one of the country's greatest Aurors."

James glanced at Alice with newfound appreciation before looking back at Dumbledore. "It was Sirius, really; he did all of the hard work."

"Oh, but you two did most of the planning," said Sirius humbly, his back a little straighter.

"Enough!" McGonagall looked madder than they'd ever seen her. "Fifty points from Gryffindor, each of you!" She whirled back to face Dumbledore, her eyes fierce. "School rules are school rules, Headmaster. I will not congratulate foolish bravado, nor will I encourage it. They should be punished."

"And so they have been." Dumbledore spoke evenly. "One hundred and fifty points from Gryffindor puts them in dead last, I'm afraid. The other students won't be pleased."

McGonagall looked slightly pacified. "I'd like to give them detentions, as well."

"They're your students, Minerva," Dumbledore said. "I won't stop you."

"Yes, well. Good evening, then." She gave them each a stern look in turn, even sparing one for Alice, before tapping out of the room, her chin held high and her jaw set.

"Frank will be pleased to see you," said Dumbledore placidly. Sirius, Remus, and James each looked puzzled, but Alice smiled tiredly.

"Where is he?"

Remus frowned. To Alice, Dumbledore answered, "I believe he is at the Ministry, looking for you. Edgar, would you be so kind as to send your Patronus and let him know that his wife is safe and whole? I know he will appreciate the news."

Sirius looked at Remus, who was staring at Alice, dumbfounded. Alice, for her part, looked vaguely embarrassed for some reason. She pulled a face and looked at Remus almost apologetically before turning her attention back to Dumbledore, the slightest touch of pink bridging her nose.

"Now," said Dumbledore placidly, "I must ask everyone to leave, for just a moment, save Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, and Mr. Lupin. Please avail yourselves to the castle; there is a terrific feast going on in the Great Hall, and our house elves make a fine blood pudding, I assure you."

Slowly the room cleared, leaving only the boys and Dumbledore. The latter gestured to the seats before his desk. As they sat, he reached up and pulled a thin, silver strand of memory from his head and dipped it into his pensieve, his face thoughtful. Looking back up at the boys, he spread out his hands and smiled graciously. "So, you wish to join the Order."

Sirius blinked at him. James asked in a low voice, "How'd you…" He trailed off, looking at Dumbledore with wonder.

Dumbledore straightened his glasses and leaned back in his chair. "Mrs. Koontz kindly reported to me that a Sirius Black has been requesting an audience every day for more than two weeks. I had my suspicions at that time as to why that might be." He smiled again, though he looked very tired. "It is my opinion that you are all worthy of a position in the Order, though I must talk it over with the others before I can be certain."

"Thank you, sir," beamed Sirius.

"It is my understanding that the Ministry is in ruins."

James nodded. "Yes, sir."

Dumbledore frowned and rubbed his beard. He seemed to be deep in thought for some moments before he looked back up and gave the boys another tired smile. "If I don't excuse you now, you'll miss supper, and that will never do. Please, go. We'll speak again soon."

* * *

"Married?" Remus poked at the mashed potatoes on his plate unenthusiastically. "Alice seems a bit young for it, doesn't she? I mean, I'm happy for her. Why wouldn't I be, right?"

"Tough break, Moony." James looked up at the newly added table at the front of the room, where the Ministry officials from the career convention and the members of the Order ate together, most chatting casually, some muttering gloomily. Alice sat beside a decidedly unattractive young man with crooked teeth and a rounded chin, nodding and yawning as he fawned over her. Looking back at his friends, he said, "You know, I haven't seen Lily or Peter since the convention started." He rubbed his chin, his eyes dark. "I'm beginning to worry."

Sirius cleared his throat and stood suddenly. "I'll go look for Peter."

"Sirius-"

"No, really, I'm not hungry." Sirius wouldn't look James in the eyes. "And I'm worried, too." He fled the table as quickly as he could manage.

* * *

Lily and Peter both turned up in time. Lily, it turned out, had been hexed by a jumpy third-year in the girl's bathroom and had to be treated by an already busy Madame Pomfrey. She left the hospital ward just before curfew that evening, waltzing back into the common room like the picture of health. Sirius found Peter fairly quickly; he was sitting in his bed when Sirius went into the dormitories, bandaging his hand. "An owl bit me, if you'll believe it," he said, sniffling. "One of those dratted Hogwarts-issue birds. Bit me! I was just trying to send my mum a letter."

Sirius laughed and shook his head. "I'll believe that if you'll believe this." He told him about his and James' and Remus' day, to Peter's great shock.

"So you're joining the Order?" He crinkled his nose. "But what  _is_ it?"

"You know," said Sirius, rubbing his chin, "I'm still not quite sure."


	17. Chapter 17

Sirius yawned and rubbed his eyes, triggering Remus to do the same. They looked at each other in the soft lamplight and shared a wry and tired smile.

It was late May, and the N.E.W.T.s were nearly upon them. As such, Remus and Sirius often found themselves as they were now: huddled together at one of the common room's tables well after the others had gone to bed, with a mess of scrolls and parchments, quills and ink, dusty old textbooks and borrowed library tomes spread before them.

"Detention tomorrow night," yawned Remus, blinking away his sleepiness. Sirius groaned. Since their incident at the Ministry- an event that everyone had expected would halt the Wizarding World and yet hadn't, due to Dumbledore's clever planning and the fact that he had invited most of the Ministry into the safety of Hogwarts that day, knowing what was in store- Professor McGonagall has assigned them twice a week detentions. The boys had all been expecting to write lines or clean, but instead they were given very rigorous lessons on things that were most certainly outside of the Hogwarts curriculum: advanced defensive magic; practical hand-to-hand combat techniques; antidotes for rare poisons and, oddly, snake venoms; theoretical magic on concepts that seemed strange, such as the magic of the soul and the power of emotion; and, perhaps most odd, the Patronus charm, which the boys found difficult to conjure in their tired and stressed states. James once made the mistake of asking why they were learning it at all, since he knew full well it wouldn't be on their N.E.W.T.s, only to receive a spectacular telling-off from the professor and a ten-inch essay on the Patronus' history as punishment. From that point on they did their extra work without complaint or question.

As it was, Remus had an awful time with the Patronus charm and couldn't quite manage to produce one, only sending a silver mist from the tip of his wand. Sirius and James somehow both managed to produce corporeal Patronuses by their eighth and tenth lessons, respectively. Sirius had thought of James, of course, though the memory he picked surprised even himself: he found that his happiest memory was of meeting James on the Hogwarts Express, when things weren't complicated and friendship was forged over pumpkin juice and Chocolate Frogs. During the previous lessons Sirius had tried his more sultry memories with James, the feel of his lips or the taste of him, but it was that simpler memory that did the trick, sending forth a great, silver dog from his wand. James' Patronus was a stag, which pleased Sirius. But whenever Sirius tried to imagine what James was considering when casting a Patronus, he found his own dying in a wisp of silvery light.

Sirius shook away his thoughts and focused blearily on the page in front of him.  _The unicorn is an elusive creature, electing to spend_ _it's_ _its time with only those whose souls are pure and innocent. To kill a unicorn is one of the worst crimes a wizard can commit, despite the many useful properties of unicorn blood, hair, and horns. This is due to the_

He blinked at the line. Because…? His mind drew a complete blank. "Moony, why shouldn't we be killing unicorns again?"

"Mmm?" Remus looked up from his own work, his eyes hooded and dark. "Oh hell, mate, something about sanctity and purity…look it up in the text." He tossed Sirius the thick leather-bound book, and it was a testament to Sirius' exhaustion that the book whizzed past his open palm and hit a shelf of old knick-knacks with a clatter.

Sirius and Remus stared at the mess for a long moment before laughing themselves into tears. When at last they'd caught their breath, Remus looked at Sirius a bit wistfully. It was the first time they'd really enjoyed each other's company all year. "I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, Sirius. I mean that. I'm sorry."

"What, throwing a book at my head?" Sirius grinned at him lopsidedly.

"No." Remus took on a serious expression. "No, I shouldn't have…y'know, made accusations. You're a Black, but you're not like your brother, or the others. I  _know_ that. But I also know there was something going on with you and Snape." He lifted a hand. "I don't need to know  _what_. That's not my business. But I'm right, I can see it on your face. There was  _something_."

"It wasn't Death Eater training," Sirius said, as sober as his friend.

Remus shook his head. "No, I don't know why I ever thought it was. I guess…fear, maybe. I was afraid. Times like these make you wonder: who can you trust?"

"I suspect You-Know-Who prefers it that way." Sirius rubbed his chin, his stubble scratching. "Remus, if you want to know what was happening with Snape and me, I'll tell you." He took a deep breath and watched Remus closely.

The taller boy seemed to be considering for a moment, then shrugged. "It's over now, isn't it?"

Sirius nodded, and Remus smiled. "Then I don't need to know. But I will tell  _you_  something, if you care to listen."

"Sure."

Remus looked sly and shot a glance around the room before leaning in. "Remember Alice? The Auror you rescued from the Ministry?"

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah…"

"I've been writing her." Remus sat back, looking more pleased with himself than Sirius had ever seen him. "I mean, daily. First she wrote me. I couldn't believe it! She said she was writing so I could thank you for her- by the way, there's your message- but I wondered why she didn't just write to you, so I asked as much." His smile grew broader. "She said she felt that we had forged a connection and so she felt more comfortable writing to me."

Sirius whistled. "Remus! I'm surprised at you. Sharing passionate correspondence with a married woman and all."

Laughing, Remus shook his head. "I feel a bit awful about it sometimes. I mean, she is married. And she doesn't know about…" He trailed off uncomfortably and thumbed at the moon. "Y'know. But even still…I don't know how either of us finds the time, but our letters have gotten so long I almost feel bad sending them with just one owl." He chuckled, his eyes bright. "I told her that I want to see her again. She seems…anxious, but eager. What do you think?"

"Remus, I'm just glad to see you happy," Sirius said, and meant. "And I'm really in no position to judge you."

"Lily," said Remus knowingly, and Sirius gave a barking laugh.

"What? No! That stupid kiss…that was nothing," he said, shaking his head. "She's a nice girl, don't get me wrong, but I'm not…well, attracted. Or interested. At all." He forged ahead bravely: "She's not my type, if I'm honest. In fact-" Something was off. He stopped and looked up from the table curiously.

Remus was plainly horrified, and Sirius noticed that his gaze had moved from himself to the girls' dormitory steps. Already knowing what he would find, he turned and met Lily's red, tear-streaked gaze.

"Now I get it," she said quietly, her voice quivering with hurt. "Now I know why all the girls hate you, Sirius Black. You  _tosser_." She turned and tripped up the steps, choking now and again on a sob.

Sirius stared at the spot where she had stood for a moment before turning slowly back, his eyes huge.

"I tried to warn you," Remus winced. "When I said 'Lily'…that was a warning, not a reply." He cleared his throat. "If it's any consolation, I don't think she'll try kissing you again."


	18. Chapter 18

Under normal circumstances, Lily's silence and swollen eyes at breakfast would have driven Sirius mad with guilt. As it was, he barely had time to feel anything at all. Though he could feel her looking at him, Sirius didn't spare a glance at Lily, electing instead to translate runes as he hurriedly tore through a heaping plate of food.

Peter was the first to leave the table. "Class. Lunch. Class. Studies. Library. Arithmancy club," he muttered, scooping up his books with slightly trembling fingers. James grunted as Peter swept out of the Great Hall and stood up himself, yawning. "Much the same," he grumbled, "except replace 'studies' with Quidditch practice, and then Arithmancy with detention. Why's ole Wormy in that club, again?"

"Peony Flockhart, I suspect," Remus said, not looking up from the Daily Prophet. He took a small nibble of toast and added, "He fancies her, and she's club president."

"Peony Who-what?" James ruffled his hair and made a face. "I've never heard of her."

"Course not." Glancing up, Remus said, "She's a Slytherin. Sixth-year. Or so says the wormtailed one."

"Decidedly weird." James flicked his wand, and his books lifted up into the air beside him. With a little crooked smile, he stole a strip of bacon from Sirius' plate and winked. He nodded at Lily, who stood, smoothing her skirt, and followed him out, James' books trailing behind them.

"Show off," said Remus, though his voice was kindly.

Sirius only smiled. He was wrong; there was something he could feel, even with the N.E.W.T.s breathing down his neck. He thought about Christmas break, about cold mornings spent in bed with James, their breath mingling, and sighed pitifully. They had barely touched since their moment at the Ministry, busy as they were. And when school was over? What then? Sirius was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice the look of dawning comprehension on Remus' face.

* * *

Sirius was avoiding the stack of homework that awaited him, despite Remus' dire warnings and protestations. He just needed to get away from the smell of old paper and fresh ink for a half hour, just to clear his head. And, as he often did when he was stressed, he found that the best way to clear his head was simply to wander the castle corridors.

He had been doing just that for nearly twenty minutes when he paused. Doubling back, he stared at the sign that had been posted on one of the older classroom's door.

**Arithmancy Club!**

**4:30 – 6 (or so)**

**All Students Welcome!**

Sirius looked at the sign for a long moment. 4:30? Didn't Peter say they met at 7, while the rest of the Marauders were in detention? After all, that seemed to be half the point of Peter's joining, or so he had said.  _Nothing better to do, with you all off playing with McGonagall_. Well, maybe the time had changed recently. Impulsively, Sirius grabbed the door handle and pulled it towards him.

Six unfamiliar faces turned towards him. One, belonging to a smallish girl with pretty auburn curls, worked through a wide range of emotions as the girl shook her head vehemently. "Oh no, my big sissy's warned me about him. I won't be in a club with Sirius Black."

Sheepishly, Sirius cleared his throat and mumbled, "Wrong room, apologies," before yanking the door closed again and sweeping down the hall. Later, as he traveled back to the Gryffindor common room with two cups of steaming hot tea in hand, he realized that all six of the girls in Arithmancy Club were Ravenclaws.  _No Slytherins, not even the girl that seemed to be presiding_ , he thought, stepping through the portrait.  _So, what does that mean?_

* * *

James was late to detention, his face streaked with dirt and his thick hair drenched with sweat. He gave a mighty yawn, and Sirius felt his heart thump painfully. Was there anything more perfect in the world than James after Quidditch practice?

After a quick telling off from the professor, James took his place on the sparring mat. His opponent, a clay soldier with a large wooden staff and an impassive expression, took its place as well. They bowed, and the fight began.

Without his wand, James was almost useless. He took a very sound beating, the clay soldier whacking him around the shoulders and chest with the staff and meeting almost no resistance. McGonagall watched, grimacing, as the soldier butted one end of the staff into James' belly, sending him to the floor with a gasp.

"Hey!" Sirius leapt forward, brandishing his wand without thought.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall said sharply, "please resume your place. When Mr. Potter defeats his opponent, you may have your turn."

James, meanwhile, was still having no luck. He rolled about on the mat, dodging many of the soldier's blows, but he couldn't land any hits himself without being batted away easily. He danced around the edge of the mat, seeming to weigh his options, and then wildly flung himself at the soldier. In an instant he was in the air, the clay soldier hitting him once, twice, three times with the staff before kicking him to the outer reaches of the mat.

This was too much for Sirius, who cried out and leapt forward, throwing his arms around the soldier's neck. They struggled for a moment, the soldier shaking and stomping before letting his staff clatter to the ground and using his thick, dusty fingers to claw at Sirius' arms. Sirius didn't release his grip, though he could dimly hear McGonagall shouting at him. The soldier scrabbled and fumbled.

In an instant, the soldier turned to dust and was gone. Sirius landed in a crouch, panting, and looked up to find James holding the staff like a sword, wide-eyed and sweating. Suddenly he broke into a smile and extended a hand to Sirius, who took it with an equally large grin.

"Thanks, mate," said James, still smiling.

McGonagall applauded, drawing their attention. To their great surprise, she was smiling- though even her smile was cool and uptight. "Well done," she said, still applauding. "Unconventional, to be sure, but a solid fight. Mr. Black, your turn." She conjured another clay soldier, who stood as blank-faced and solid at the edge of the mat as the last one. James and Sirius shared a look, and then moved to the opposite edge of the mat, joined immediately by a solemn-faced Remus. McGonagall lifted one delicate eyebrow, looking quietly pleased.

* * *

That had been their last detention, with Professor McGonagall seeming to be very pleased with their progress. They had defeated three clay soldiers, produced a lovely potion for healing bruises, and cast- one each- three outstanding, corporeal Patronuses. (Remus was so thrilled on having cast one that he claimed he would use the memory of having casted it to cast a Patronus from then on, which felt too meta for Sirius and James to believe.) McGonagall set them loose with the cry, "Now, study! Eat well! Be sure to sleep! O's, boys!"

All their minds were on the N.E.W.T.s, so much so that Sirius thought surely the morning of the exams would be a relief.

It wasn't. He woke, the morning of the N.E.W.T.s, in a panicked sweat, unable to remember which constellation housed the star Gamma Ursae Minoris: the Big Dipper, or the Little? He leapt out of bed and looked it up, rereading the star chart three times before rolling it back up and putting it away. Only when he'd managed to slow his heart rate did he notice James yanking on a pair of pants- backwards- and muttering about getting to the library, and Remus sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by books, his wand tucked behind his ear and his eyes scanning a particularly old book very rapidly.

The scene at breakfast was more of the same, though it differed from table to table. The Slytherin table was all whispers and Galleons. If people weren't selling cheats or Felix Felicis, they were betting on the test scores of their fellow students. Barely anyone was studying…unlike the Ravenclaw table, which was so thick with books that it was hard to tell there was any food hiding on the table at all. Most of them were quizzing each other, or ranting to themselves, listing Potions ingredients or symptoms of medical maladies in droning voices. The Hufflepuff table watched all of this from their own seats, most of them eating from stacked plates, their eyes round. And the Gryffindors, for their part, seemed to be doing an even mix of everything. Some were eating madly, stuffing their faces with wild abandon. Others weren't eating at all, instead muttering and flipping through notes, cursing and wiping their brows. Some were very lackadaisical, pretend-hexing one another and joking about how nervous the other students were. And a few were swallowing their pride and slipping over to the Slytherin table, Galleons in hand. All of the younger students, regardless of house, looked both sympathetic and envious. No one looked forward to taking the N.E.W.T.s…but the older students were so close now to adulthood and exciting careers that the younger ones couldn't help but feel a little jealous.

As the younger students left the Great Hall for their morning classes, the older students sat anxiously, awaiting instruction. And, at long last, it was given.

"Seventh-years, please stand and arrange yourselves at the edges of the room," called Professor McGonagall in her booming voice. Sirius glanced around for Dumbledore and, not finding him, pushed the ideas of what might be happening outside of the castle out of his mind.  _Focus, focus…_


	19. Chapter 19

"Quills down!" cried the Ministry proctor, a young squat woman with an eerie smile and a hideous magenta dress-suit. Sirius obeyed dully. His head was throbbing uncomfortably, and his mouth was dry…but the N.E.W.T.s were over. He shuffled out of the warm hall with the other seventh-years, most of whom were too tired and jittery to say much.

James sidled up next to him, slinging an arm around his shoulder. "At long last," he said, smiling. "Now I could use a stiff drink, a good shag, and a full day's sleep." Dropping his voice so even Sirius could barely hear him, he added: "I reckon together we could handle two of the three. Hog's Head tonight?"

Lifting an eyebrow, Sirius answered softly, "I thought you were done drinking?"

"I've never been much of a quitter, Sirius, you know that." He flashed his teeth. "What's my mum always saying? 'Quitters never win', was it?" Scanning the crowd, James patted his arm and began to move away, a flash of red hair as his guide. Sparing a glance back, he called, "I'll catch you up! Tonight, don't forget!"

* * *

Sirius' first order of business was to take a nap. He entered the dorm to find Remus already sleeping, his dress shirt undone halfway and hanging open around his neck. Perhaps it was the light streaming in through the dirty window, or the half-smirk that played at his sleeping lips, but Remus looked strangely beautiful in that moment. Despite himself, Sirius found his gaze trailing down Remus' neck and across his chest, which rose and fell gently and steadily.

He shook his head and ran a hand over his eyes. Bad enough to fall for one Marauder; it would be completely wretched if he started to fall for another. Grinning a little to himself as he undid his trousers and stepped out of them, he thought of Peter and the relief of knowing that he was one friend Sirius would never, ever lust after.

* * *

The common room was quieter than Sirius had ever heard it. He and Remus sat playing their fourth round of chess, the ground around them littered with candy wrappers. Peter had gone to bed early, as had most of the other seventh-years. James and Lily had dashed off together sometime around dusk, according to Peter, though Sirius and Remus had both slept until just past supper. Sirius glanced at the clock and yawned hugely. It was well after midnight. Had he just been stood up?

Tracking his gaze, Remus smiled sympathetically. "I suspect you're waiting up for James? Your mind certainly isn't on the board."

Sirius looked down to see only his king still standing and frowned. "I just…" He looked up at Remus and cleared his throat. "We had plans. That's all."

"What sort of plans?" There was an unfamiliar look in Remus' eyes.

Sirius tried not to look shifty. "Drinking plans, mostly."

"Ah." Remus directed his piece and said, gently, "Checkmate," as Sirius' king was run through by Remus' queen. He looked up from the board, that unfamiliar expression still hiding in the lines of his too-casual smile. "How long have we been friends, Sirius?"

"You know the answer to that." Sirius sat back and crossed his arms without realizing it. "Why do you ask?"

For a long moment Remus just watched Sirius as he grow more and more uncomfortable. At last, with a shrug, he sighed, "Sometimes it feels like I'm just getting to know you. Maybe I've been…preoccupied, with my illness…and my loneliness. But all of a sudden…" He shrugged again and spun his fingers, as though he were grasping for the words to explain his thoughts. "The other morning…I think I saw you for the first time."

Sirius scoffed and began to set the board up again, his eyes flitting back to the clock. "What's that supposed to mean?" He looked up sharply. "You don't think I'm a Death Eater again, do you?"

"No, nothing like that," said Remus, and Sirius relaxed. He was contemplating his move when Remus said something that made his blood go cold. "But I do think you're in love with James."

After another long silence, Sirius dared to glance up from the board. Remus was regarding him with interest. Not sure what else to say, and knowing he could never deny it believably, Sirius asked, "And how does that make you feel?"

"Strange. Curious." Remus leaned back and steepled his fingers. "Intrigued. Worried. Perturbed. Surprised." He thought for a second and added, "Vindicated." To Sirius' questioning look he explained, "Well, I knew you were hiding something, didn't I?"

It surprised Sirius to hear himself laugh. "The word 'disgusted' was conspicuously missing from your list."

"Yes." Remus rubbed his lower lip with his thumb absently. Sirius had begun to notice that was something he did when he was in deep thought. "You can't help what you are any more than I can. It doesn't make either of us monsters. It just makes us…different. I'm starting to realize that. In time, you will, too." It was strange to hear the normally dry and emotionless Remus being so earnest.

"She's good for you, that Alice," Sirius breathed, and they both laughed. More soberly, Sirius said, "Remus, I don't know what to do. I mean that. I…I want to be with him, and I can't."

"Does he know how you feel?" Sirius nodded, and Remus, noting his blush, peaked his eyebrows. "Does he feel similarly?"

"It certainly appears that way," Sirius mumbled to the chessboard.

This surprised Remus, though he hid it quickly. "Well. Then." He coughed and rubbed his lip again. "I don't see much of an issue. I support you both, obviously, and I'm sure Peter-"

"It's Lily." Sirius glanced at the clock and hated himself for it. "He cares for her, truly." Clearing his throat first, he muttered, "He isn't…like me. I could never, well, girls never…but…" Flustered, he looked up and shrugged. "I don't…y'know. I'm not attracted to girls." It felt strange to say that out loud, but Sirius soldiered on: "But James is. It's not…for me it was an act. For him, it isn't."

Remus thought this over for moment. "So you've never…" He looked up, genuinely perplexed. "So…wait. Have you…have you ever slept with a girl then? Or was that all a put on?"

With a touch of shame, Sirius told the truth. "Just once. It wasn't...well, it was okay, I guess."

"Have you…" Remus stopped and shook his head. "No, that's none of my business."

"No, go ahead. It…it feels right, telling you the truth."

Remus smiled a little. Slowly, his cheeks turning pink, he whispered, "Have you...been, I mean to say slept, y'know…with…with a boy, then?"

Sirius nodded and ran a hand through his hair, trying not to let his face go warm at the sight of Remus' wide eyes. Remus seemed to be processing this for a time before he asked, sounding like a younger version of himself, "Was it…well, is it…nice?"

They both laughed at the ridiculousness of the question. Wiping his eyes, Sirius nodded. "Yes, it's nice. Honestly, Remus, you've had sex, haven't you? I imagine it's not much different."

"No, I never have," Remus confessed. "I…it never seemed right. With what I am, you know. How could I tell a girl that? But then…well, how could I sleep with her and  _not_ tell her? She'd deserve to know."

"Merlin!" It was Sirius' turn to be surprised. They didn't have any more time to discuss it, though, because at that moment the portrait-door swung open and Lily tumbled in drunkenly, followed by a giggling and sloppy James Potter.

"Shh, shh," insisted James between giggles, though he was being just as noisy as Lily.

Groggily, Lily glanced over at Sirius and Remus and hiccupped, "Oh- oh look! It's-" –hic- "-Uric the Oddball and his c-companion, Sir Arsehole." She waved and toppled over, laughing hysterically.

"Sir Arsehole!" James cried, falling down beside her and pulling her close. "Oh, Sir Arsehole! Your assistance is needed, good fellow knight!" He began fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. "Good sir, a quest! To find…oh, hell." Kissing Lily's face messily, he mumbled, "I don't remember what I've lost."

"Your mind, my love," laughed Lily. They kissed again, less messy and more intensely.

Sirius looked away, avoiding Remus' pitying gaze. "I'm off to bed. Those two drunks can fend for themselves."

"A sorry knight you are!" cried James after him, as Sirius jogged up the steps. "Where's your honor, mate? And…oh…Lily, darling, I believe you're drunk."

At the top of the stairs, Sirius stopped and leaned against the wall, his eyes close and his breathing too quick. Footsteps behind him made him turn, his stomach lurching. Remus appeared in the darkness, his pale skin glowing. He pulled a face. "Better stay up here, mate," he said softly, moving carefully towards his own bed. "Get some rest, eh?"

Sirius nodded, but Remus was already gone, disappeared behind the thick curtains of his four-poster bed. An awful, choking feel threatened to suffocate Sirius, and it took him a long moment to get his breath under control. At last he slipped into his own bed and stared, sleepless, at the ceiling, trying not to hear when, an hour later, James stumbled up the steps and fell into his own creaking bed, snoring before he hit the sheets.


	20. Chapter 20

Sirius wandered the lawn, smiling. All around him parents were clutching their children and crying, or else standing back and staring fondly. The pride was palpable. Sirius didn't feel sorry for himself that his parents didn't come to his graduation; James' mum had already cried over him and kissed his face, leaving little pink tracks up his cheek. "You'll come stay with us again this summer, won't you, dear?" she had cooed, and Sirius promised her he would.

It was sweet to be smothered, but he was glad to have gotten away, to stretch his legs after a long ceremony and watch the serene waters of the lake for, perhaps, the last time.

"Sirius."

"Headmaster?" Dumbledore hadn't been at Hogwarts for weeks, and he had not participated in the day's ceremonies at all. Yet here he was, his long beard dancing in the gentle breeze, those ice blue eyes troubled and piercing.

"Congratulations," he said sincerely. "Have you decided what you'll be doing next?"

In a low voice, Sirius said, "Joining the Order, I'd hoped. Sir."

Dumbledore smiled, just a little. "We can't pay you."

"I don't care."

"All the same." Dumbledore began to walk very slowly, and Sirius followed. "Some terrible news was delivered to my office this morning, Sirius. It is my wretched duty to inform you." He stopped and looked Sirius in the eyes. "Your father and your uncle Alphard have both perished."

"Uncle Al? My mother's brother?" Sirius blinked. "Damn. I liked him." He looked up, as though remembering himself. "Sorry for the language, sir."

"My ears aren't young, Sirius. I've heard worse." Dumbledore resumed walking again, and once again Sirius followed. Conversationally, Dumbledore went on, "It does seem that your feelings for Alphard were mutual. He left you a significant inheritance."

This time Sirius stopped walking. "Sir? Define 'significant.'"

Smiling, Dumbledore passed Sirius an envelope. Sirius opened it and read the letter within with a slack jaw. "This is a joke," he said, when he'd reached the end.

"I must insist it isn't." Dumbledore looked out towards the water, where the giant squid lifted one lazy tentacle and dropped it back into the water with a splash. "I should hope no one revels in death…yet, the question of money had been a concern of mine. Now that it is settled, I feel much more comfortable inviting you to risk your life without pay."

"So I'm in? The Order, that is?"

"Yes." The wind was picking up; Dumbledore's robes swished around him. "You're in. As well as James, and Remus. Should Lily and Peter wish to join us, they need only to ask."

"Really?" Sirius rubbed his chin. For a moment he was quiet. Then, he asked, "Professor Dumbledore…how did my father and Uncle Al die?"

"Your father," said Dumbledore softly, "had a heart attack at breakfast. Simultaneously, your uncle Alphard fell off of an old and finicky broomstick from a tremendous height. The deaths were not related." He patted Sirius' shoulder and smiled. "In one month's time, come see me, and we will get your affairs in order so that you may begin work. Until then, try to enjoy yourself. And, Sirius? I'm told you did very well during your detentions. May you continue to do so."

He moved away like a ghost, drifting into the crowd and greeting many of the students by name. Sirius watched him go, then turned back to the lake, his mind adrift.

* * *

Later, in the common room, Remus and James leaned against each other, the letter of inheritance from Sirius' uncle Al clutched in their hands.

James whistled. "Mate, you are  _beyond_  wealthy. If I'd known you had such rich connections, I'd have stopped you mooching off me years ago."

Sirius pinched him, and they wrestled for a moment. When they fell apart, Sirius scooped the letter up and tucked it back into its envelope. "I can't believe that's my vault now. I knew my uncle was a well off, much more so than most of the Blacks, for sure…but, wow."

"We get it, you're rich," sneered Peter teasingly. He was packing his trunk, neatly folding a pair of knickers. "I hope that means you're treating us on the Hogwarts Express."

They laughed. Suddenly, Peter flushed and began tucking a long black robe into his trunk without folding it.

"Oi, what's that?" cried James, sitting up. "Your dress robes! The frilly ones!" He leapt up, laughing, and tried to tug them out of Peter's hands. To everyone's surprise, Peter put up a decent fight, and by the time they were done knocking things to the floor and cursing each others' ancestors the point of the fight had been forgotten. James slumped back on to the bed between Remus and Sirius, his fingers grazing Sirius' thigh. "Isn't it odd," he breathed, "to think that we'll never sleep in this room again?"

Perhaps because of the fighting, the room suddenly seemed very dusty, and they all rubbed their eyes and cleared their throats, looking away from each other.

* * *

James' parents had a Muggle car, and they picked James, Sirius, and Remus- who was staying over for a week or so- up at King's Cross station. The three climbed into the backseat, arguing briefly over who got which spot. They waved goodbye once more to their friends and laughed and jostled over each other to fiddle with the radio, an object Sirius and Remus found both perplexing and delightful. When at last a lull fell over them, and the soft sighs of a woman's voice on the radio washed over them and out into the wind, Sirius closed his eyes and leaned back, thinking of Hogwarts. He was nearly asleep when a thought pricked at him like a needle, though he couldn't understand the significance of it.

 _Peter's dress robes were burgundy_ , he thought, and it filled him with dread for some unknown reason.  _They weren't black. They were burgundy._

The touch of James' hand on his in the small space between them chased the thought away. He turned his head, and James smiled at him, that slightly crooked grin that made his heart skip beats. "A Sickle for your thoughts?" James asked softly.

Sirius glanced at Remus, who was snoozing peacefully, his face smooshed against the glass of the window. Looking back to James, he smiled. "No deal. I'm rich now. I don't need your Sickles."

"Bah," said James, turning in his seat a little. He laid his head on Sirius' shoulder and yawned. "Well, I was thinking about you." He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Very softly, he whispered, "Do you still love me, Sirius? Even when I'm awful towards you?"

Sirius felt his throat close up a little. Honestly, he answered, "I couldn't stop if I wanted to." In barely a whisper he added, "And sometimes I  _do_ want to."

James didn't reply. Sirius glanced down at him and sighed. He was sleeping, his breath deep and rhythmic. To himself, Sirius mumbled, "Sometimes I wish I could."

**Author's Note:**

> This was written some time back, and I'll undoubtedly do some editing to it at some point in the future. At any rate, I hope you enjoy it in its current state.


End file.
